The top sports stories from today's edition of The Herald:
1. Please, don't make me watch any more of this
The Herald's John Boyle writes that Thursday night's cure for insomnia ... oh, sorry, I mean Sounders FC playoff game, was “not without its exciting moments.” He then offers as evidence the pushing, shoving, chest bumping and name calling that took place during the 0-0 tie. Yo, John, that's not a sport, that's third-grade recess.
2. Houston, we have a problem
The Sounders' tie with Houston on Thursday means the first-round MLS playoff series will be decided Nov. 8 in Houston. That's right, the teams don't play again for 10 stinkin' days. Who made up this schedule? Bud Selig? Guess the players need that much time to recover from all that “exciting” pushing, shoving, chest bumping and name calling.
3. The best drama is not always on CBS
The local high school football action provided two stadiums full of sweaty-palm action Thursday, with both Meadowdale and Granite Falls winning on last-minute field goals. Paul Gumke booted the game-winner for Granite Falls. “I was thinking if I make this, best senior year ever,” Gumke said. I don't know, Paul, the guy who dated Eva Longoria back in high school is going to be tough to beat.
4. Quick, cover the kids' ears
The Stilly Cup, the annual showdown between the football teams from Arlington and Stanwood, is tonight in Arlington. Herald writer Mike Cane notes that parents of the Arlington players showed up at practice this week and told stories of high jinks from Stilly Cups past, including delivering an outhouse to the opposing school and swiping a goat. Swiping a goat? What does that have to do with a game between the EAGLES and the SPARTANS? On second thought, The Closer doesn't want to know.
5. Seahawks sound a lot light Chicken Little
Coach Jim Mora keeps assuring us that the Seattle Seahawks' 2009 season is not lost, even as his roster of healthy players continues to decline at a rate of two key players a week. The sky is not falling, Mora says, though everyone can see he's doing a tap dance at the podium to keep from getting hit with ceiling tiles.
THE WARMUP PITCH
Sounders roll a 10-7 split
OK, just to prove The Closer can say something nice about soccer, here's one good thing that came out of Thursday's Sounders FC game: A great quote from Seattle coach Sigi Schmid. He likened Freddy Montero receiving a yellow card when he was knocked over by Houston goalkeeper Pat Onstad to a bowling pin being penalized for getting knocked down by the ball. By the time the game was over, many of the nearly 36,000 fans in attendance probably wished they'd gone bowling.
Speaking of bowling ...
WSU athletic director Jim Sterk said the Cougars trip to San Antonio to play Notre Dame this weekend has a “bowl atmosphere.” It also has a big pay check, with the contest expected to add $1.5 million to the WSU coffers. Of course, after the game the Cougs are going to need most of that money for casts, bandages, crutches ...
A one-man crusade in the name of the King
With no local NBA team to pull for, The Closer has decided to spend the 2009-10 NBA season rooting not for a team, but for a player — former UW great Jon Brockman. As of right now, The Closer is on a one-man mission to get Sacramento Kings coach Paul Westphal to play the King of Snohomish. Brockman, a rookie, may be too small, too slow and too inexperienced, but The Closer doesn't care. In his NBA debut Wednesday night, Brockman scored four points, shot 2-for-2 from the floor and grabbed one rebound in five and half minutes of action. Now, based on those numbers, Paul, had you played Brockman the entire 48 minutes, he would have scored 35 points, grabbed nine rebounds and shot 100 percent from the floor. How can you not play this guy?
Who you callin' a wimp?
In the football caste system, quarterbacks generally rank above only kickers and waterboys. But don't tell that to former Stanwood High School QB Aaron Boehme. Now the starting quarterback for Linfield, Boehme, a former defensive back, proves in the video below that playing one-platoon football hasn't sissy-fied him at all.
A Royal salute
Congrats to the Lynnwood High School football team for holding off Sedro-Woolley Thursday night for a 34-32 victory, the Royals' first win in two years. The Closer is a firm believer that no athlete should go winless in his or her senior season, and the Royals made sure their upperclassmen finished with a performance that will be remembered for a lifetime. So, Royals, this video salute is for you ...
Mr. No-vember
The pronouncement that Pay-Rod's postseason struggles are behind him may have been a bit premature. After hitting .438 in the first two rounds of the playoffs, the Yankees' veteran third baseman is 0-for-8 with six strikeouts in the World Series. Those numbers are bound to rile New York's fans, who unlike Sounders FC supporters, realize there's nothing positive about a goose egg in the playoffs.
CURVEBALLS
She ran so fast the flame almost went out
The 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver have their first drug scandal. The Greek Olympic Committee is red-faced after letting hurdler Fani Halkia carry the Olympic torch this week on its journey to British Columbia. Halkia is serving a two-year suspension for steroid use. On the positive side (no pun intended), Halkia turned in the fastest leg of any of the Greek torch-bearers.
But will he fit in a police cruiser?
Shaquille O'Neal of the Cleveland Cavaliers has applied to became a special deputy with the Cuyahoga County (Ohio) sheriff's department. With the Cavs off to 0-2 start, maybe Sheriff Shaq should worry more about policing the paint than chasing bad guys around greater Cleveland.
THE RUNDOWN
In honor of the Sounders FC's first playoff appearance, The Closer decided to look back at the other playoff debuts in Seattle's pro sports history. Here are the performances, listed from best to worst:
1. Seahawks 31, Denver 7, Dec. 24, 1983: A dominating performance on Christmas Eve that The Closer @#$% missed because Mrs. Closer had purchased @#@$% tickets to see the play “A Christmas Carol” in downtown Seattle. Not that there's any bitterness, though.
2. Seattle SuperSonics 90, Detroit Pistons 77, April 8, 1975: The Sonics went on to win the best-of-three series 2-1. Four years later, they were NBA champs. Man, The Closer misses those guys ... sniff, sniff.
3. Yankees 9, Mariners 3, Oct. 3, 1995: A day after beating the Angels in a one-game playoff to decide the AL West, the weary, pitching-depleted M's got bombed in the Bronx. They eventually fell behind 0-2 in the best-of-five series, but as any Mariners fan worth his or her Jay Buhner bobblehead knows, they refused to lose and eventually won the series on Edgar Martinez's iconic double down the left-field line. Wow, just the thought of that play gives the Closer goose bumps
4. Sounders 0, Dynamo 0, Oct. 29, 2009: What did The Closer's old junior high basketball coach say? Oh yeah, “If they don't score, they can't win.” True. But if you don't score, you can't win either.
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