Fastest thumb in the West
•"Wisconsin teen is fastest texter in America": Austin Wierschke, 17, who says he has "abnormally fast thumbs," (or "aft" in text lingo) won the competition for the second year in a row, taking home another $50,000 in prize money. Reassuringly, Fast Thumbs is using the money for college, rather than pursuing a Professional Texting career, a sport fraught with carpal tunnel injuries, and few groupies.
"Man sets fire to home by microwaving socks, undies": Although a recommended way to kill bacteria from kitchen sponges, it's not an approved method for cleaning a busy British bachelor's Calvin Klein's, as the man discovered. Among other mistakes, he forgot to rotate the socks halfway through, and added way too much detergent.
"Naked, combative Randy Travis arrested for DUI": Sometimes those country songs just write themselves.
"Usain Bolt wins 100 gold, time of 9.63 sets Olympic record": The super-duper fast runner and Olympic record setter, and seemingly all-around enjoyer of life, always has a lot of quotable things to say, something else that sets him apart from many of his athletic peers.
For example: In 2008, he explained that his success was fueled by chicken nuggets from a fast-food restaurant in the Olympic village. This time around, he noted that he noshed on a sandwich wrap from the same chain.
"It was chicken with vegetables, so it was healthy," Bolt said with perfect deadpan delivery. "Don't judge me."
In a world where athletes take all manner of steroids, hormones and drugs; engage in "blood doping," and whatever latest craze, it's just really fun to hear a natural-born athlete asking not to be judged for eating McDonalds.
•"Archaeologists find traces of 2,500-year-old chocolate": It was found inside traces of a 2,500-year-old secret drawer.
"Boozing bears drink 100 beers, leave cabin in ruins": Dozens of picnic baskets were also scattered about, Ranger Smith reported. The lone bear in custody, Boo-Boo, had no comment except: Don't judge me.
"Loud elephants can talk silently, too": Trumpety elephants can also communicate with each other in tones too low for humans to hear. So if it seems like they are laughing and pointing at your travel fanny pack, they probably are.
Go for low tones this week, and take it easy on your thumbs, too.