Stage parents can destroy families

  • By William Hageman Chicago Tribune
  • Friday, March 29, 2013 3:56pm
  • Life

In the late 1970s and ’80s, Melissa Francis was all over TV. She appeared in almost 100 commercials and spent two years in the cast of “Little House on the Prairie.”

But Francis, now an anchor on the Fox Business Network, didn’t reach those heights by herself. Her mother was right behind her, pushing. And pushing hard.

Francis, now 40, has detailed her mother’s relentless driving in an excellent memoir, “Diary of a Stage Mother’s Daughter.”

And although her mother ultimately destroyed their family (the two have been estranged for several years), Francis looks back with mixed feelings.

“I have great memories, wonderful things she did, and other things that were very difficult,” she said. “It was very difficult as a child to untangle the positive from the abusive.”

That same stage-mother or, more accurately, stage-parent, mentality can be seen at dance recitals, school plays or children’s concerts everywhere, and is not confined to the highest echelons of the entertainment and arts worlds.

What prompts a parent to have this all-consuming drive?

Liliana Lengua is director of the University of Washington Center for Child and Family Well-Being, an interdisciplinary research center. She says she doesn’t know of any research (focused on) the stage parent and speculates there are different factors for different people.

“There’s a lot of excitement and enthusiasm and energy around these activities,” Lengua said. “Parents may think they’re highlighting the wonderful talents of their children. And there may be a reflective glow: If my child is well-liked, I may be doing something right. It’s pretty complicated. I doubt there’s only one factor.”

Another factor, she said, may be that the parent sees the time involved as proof of commitment or devotion to the child.

Francis understands that point of view. “I think in acting it’s almost impossible (to succeed) without a stage parent. It’s not like sports, where kids go after school. They have to take the kid out of school, sit on the set all day and get no pay.”

One thing for certain about this sort of behavior: It can be detrimental not only to the child but to siblings as well. In Francis’ case, her older sister, Tiffany, who was also seen in numerous commercials, ended up neglected and rejected by their mother as Francis’ career flourished. (Her sister suffered from a string of emotional and physical problems and died in 2002.)

Francis, meanwhile, eventually rejected her mother’s methods and rebelled. She quit acting, wound up going to Harvard against her mother’s wishes and got a degree in economics.

What can be done about a stage parent?

Ann C. Stadtler is director of site development and training at Brazelton Touchpoints Center in Boston, which works to promote the health and well-being of infants and young children.

She suggested approaching the person on a nonconfrontational, parent-to-parent basis. “If we give them the message, ‘I think you’re trying to do the best for your child,’ we can get a window in.”

And through that window, a parent might be able to reason with the stage parent, who often doesn’t realize how overbearing he or she is.

There’s a delicate line between helpful and harmful behavior, Francis said, particularly for a kid. “There were many times where we were a happy, winning pair,” she said. “I was a very successful actor, and a lot of that was attributable to her.”

Signs of trouble

Is the parent showing favoritism to one child? Kids are sensitive to cues as to favoritism,

Is the child overanxious or depressed? Those are signs that a parent may be exerting too much pressure to perform on the child, who may no longer be interested in the activity but continues merely to please Mom or Dad.

Who is this for, the kid or the parent? Sometimes, being part of a performance is more for a parent’s ego gratification than the child’s well-being.

Is the parent inhibiting the child’s emotional growth? A stage parent often fails to nurture a child’s emotional development in areas such as making friends or learning empathy.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

The Moonlight Swing Orchestra will play classic sounds of the Big Band Era on April 21 in Everett. (submitted photo)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Relive the Big Band Era at the Port Gardner Music Society’s final concert of the season in Everett.

2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD (Honda)
2024 Honda Ridgeline TrailSport AWD

Honda cedes big boy pickup trucks to the likes of Ford, Dodge… Continue reading

Would you want to give something as elaborate as this a name as mundane as “bread box”? A French Provincial piece practically demands the French name panetiere.
A panetiere isn’t your modern bread box. It’s a treasure of French culture

This elaborately carved French antique may be old, but it’s still capable of keeping its leavened contents perfectly fresh.

(Judy Newton / Great Plant Picks)
Great Plant Pick: Mouse plant

What: Arisarum proboscideum, also known as mouse plant, is an herbaceous woodland… Continue reading

Bright green Japanese maple leaves are illuminated by spring sunlight. (Getty Images)
Confessions of a ‘plantophile’: I’m a bit of a junky for Japanese maples

In fact, my addiction to these glorious, all-season specimens seems to be contagious. Fortunately, there’s no known cure.

2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited (Hyundai)
2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited

The 2024 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Limited is a sporty, all-electric, all-wheel drive sedan that will quickly win your heart.

The 2024 Dodge Hornet R/T hybrid’s face has the twin red lines signifying the brand’s focus on performance. (Dodge)
2024 Hornet R/T is first electrified performance vehicle from Dodge

The all-new compact SUV travels 32 miles on pure electric power, and up to 360 miles in hybrid mode.

Don’t blow a bundle on glass supposedly made by the Henry William Stiegel

Why? Faked signatures, reused molds and imitated styles can make it unclear who actually made any given piece of glass.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.