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Published: Monday, August 4, 2014, 12:01 a.m.

Alien takeover long in the making

Greetings Earthlings! My followers and I are from the planet Klepto and we are here to destroy your world. We first arrived in the 1930s and have been assimilating into your society ever since. We are everywhere and we look like you.
In our secret society, our leaders are called maniacs. When we see an Earthling, such as Lindsay Lohan or Miley Cyrus, acting like us, our hearts go all aflutter.
Of course, we have set our sights much higher. One can never destroy a world with small acts of theft; such acts must be on a very grand scale.
Once in a while, we allow one of our own to get caught, like Bernie Madoff did, to keep the focus off of our grander scheme: to bring down every government of your world.
We are easily spotted. Here are some of the things that you can look for: we seek positions of power (government); we have an insatiable appetite for your money (taxes); we thrive on lying to you (elections) and controlling the your actions (bad laws); we leave a path of overspending (deficits) and financial enslavement (debt) behind us; and we hover together like a swarm of bees when attacking (or are “in session”).
Every planet that we have “Left Behind” has never recovered. Our top-secret leaders are known as Kleptomaniacs; however, in your language, I think the best translation would be: elected officials. Yes, we are truly “out of this world”!
Our new idea is a “gas tax.”
Hans Kasper
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Herald Editorial Board

Jon Bauer, Opinion Editor:

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