Brother-in-law’s dangerous hobby stirs worry

Hello Carolyn:

My brother-in-law has two teenage children and he has decided his next hobby is going to be racing cars.

My wife and I are the ones responsible for raising these kids if anything happens to him. I of course realize he could be hit by a car walking across the street at any time.

The issue is his engaging in a very risky hobby while these kids are still in the house. The kids have been raised in a way that neither of us agree with and if they were to come under our care, it would be very difficult for everyone involved.

What is the best way to approach him about this? It is causing my wife incredible anxiety issues.

— Watching From the Sidelines

Seems to me the issue is not that he’s engaging in this risky hobby — as you said, he could die crossing the street, plus it’s his life to live or discard as he wishes — but instead that your wife is anxious and you want harmony restored at home. So, you’re hoping to shift that chore to the brother.

But that’s not how things work; you can’t make other people live in service of your own peace of mind (or child-rearing views).

You’re certainly welcome to ask your brother if he has thought through the consequences to his children if he is killed or severely injured, though I’ll take your realism one step further on this: Approaching parents on what-ifs is the right move for any potential guardian, not just those processing a new, high-speed hobby.

That conversation works because it is within the bounds of your business: It covers what your responsibilities will be, or won’t, in the event these kids’ dad can’t raise them.

I should say, this is something your wife can do because it falls in an area she governs. Her anxiety is just a manifestation of powerlessness, that awful feeling that we can’t do anything to prevent something that upsets us.

So for her to take action is a much more realistic path to restoring harmony than for you to beg her brother to do her bidding, because it puts her (no no don’t do it) in the driver’s seat. She can, for example, tell her brother that if he throws his life away on this hobby, then she won’t be responsible for his kids.

Yikes, you say. It is extreme — and it’s also not what I would either advise or do in this situation, because these are kids and you take them in and make it work. That’s just what “you” do, meaning you in the collective, villagey sense.

But no one can make that choice for someone who does not have the resources for it, emotional or otherwise. If the mere idea of becoming guardian to these kids so unnerves your wife that she cannot function normally, then maybe she’s not the best relief parent for them. And certainly if that’s true, then their dad must know this — before he crosses a street, much less heads to a track.

If you present this idea to your wife and she finds it even more unnerving (less nerving?) to imagine turning these kids away, then that in itself is her path to restoring calm: Just the act of identifying her role in this, of seeing that to stand ready as guardian is her choice as opposed to her fate, is empowerment to counteract her current sense of helplessness. Would you rather climb a mountain to challenge yourself, or because someone held a gun to your head?

Hi, Carolyn:

I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last nine years. He was adopted shortly after birth and grew up in a loving home. He has no desire to find his birth parents.

But I have this desire to locate his birth mom and let her know that everything turned out OK with him. I can’t imagine giving up a baby and never knowing what happened. She’d be in her late 70s by now, if she’s even alive. I wouldn’t give any specific information about him except his first name, and send some baby pictures (he was the most beautiful little boy!) and let her know what a wonderful man he grew up to be, and that she made the right choice. I just want her to have that peace of mind before she dies.

When I brought this up to my boyfriend, he was against the idea, thinking it might traumatize her. I don’t think it would, especially since I’m not trying to initiate any kind of reunion. What do you think?

— L.

I think you’re motivated by admirable compassion. Nevertheless, you are only guessing at what the birth mother might want, while you know for certain what your boyfriend wants. This is his life, his mother, his call. Please don’t press.