Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn:
I’m dating a divorced father of a 7-year-old daughter. We have been together for about 10 months, have exchanged I-love-yous, have even talked about moving in together, I have met his parents, and yet he has never invited me to meet his daughter, the most important person in his life.
Believe me, I have tried to facilitate this myself. I’ve invited him to bring her along to kid-friendly outings. I bought her gifts for Christmas and her birthday and sent them via my boyfriend. There’s always some excuse why she is not available to come along when we’re going out. I have asked him point-blank, and he always just says, “You’ll meet her really soon.”
At this point, my best guess is that his ex-wife is intentionally getting in the way of my interacting with her little girl.
So what do I do, just keep being patient? I’m starting to worry that this means he isn’t as serious about me as I am about him. After all, actions speak louder than words.
— San Francisco
“You’ll meet her really soon”? That’s not an answer. That’s a deflection. And a “best guess” is what you need when two adults can’t use their words. “Why haven’t I met your daughter?” “Because Ex drags me to court for far less. I’m working on it.”
Any talk of moving in with someone when you’re still at the deflections stage — on any topic, but especially consequential ones like this — is wildly premature.
You have two choices. (1) Speak up fully now: “I would like a straight answer about Daughter. I don’t have to meet her tomorrow. But before we talk about things like moving in together, I do have to know you trust me enough to explain why we haven’t met.”
Or (2) Recognize that you’re not planning a future, you’re dating, and you need to date some more before you get to the future part.
He has a very young child; if he takes that responsibility seriously, then he does need to move slowly, even more slowly than he’s moving now. That includes, in some cases, not introducing you to his daughter unless and until he’s sure-sure.
My general advice on cohabitating, meanwhile, even for people without the added responsibility for a child’s safety and emotional well-being, is to save it for when you’ve reached the point with someone — mutually — of making a life commitment.
So if anything, I’m more concerned that he’s even considering cohabitation at the 10-month point than I am about your not having met the kid. That is, on top of my overriding concern about your mutual poor communication on important things.
Whichever you choose — speaking up now or letting the relationship progress more first — make it your goal simply to know each other better. Once you have that, then you can worry about meeting kids, negotiating exes and changing addresses. Remind yourself as needed, too, that you can’t expect to be part of his daughter’s life until he’s sure you’re an enduring part of his. And until he’s able to form these words himself.
Washington Post Writers Group
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