She needs to go slow with kissing and stuff

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi Carolyn!

I started seeing a guy I really like talking to, but I’m not sure about the physical aspect. Until this week, I had never been in a relationship or even kissed anyone.

Last night I went to his house for dinner and he ended up going from zero to making out (complete with copious tongue). I didn’t enjoy it, but I didn’t stop him because I thought, “Well, I guess this is what one does.” I did stop some roving hands, though.

Today I just feel gross about it and about myself, and not super-excited to see him again. What’s driving me crazy is that I don’t know: Am I uncomfortable because this is a very new situation and I don’t know what I’m doing, or is this guy genuinely not a good fit for me? I’m worried that I’m either going to shut down this whole relationship because I’m freaked out, or go to the other extreme and do things I really don’t like because I feel like I should. Can you help straighten out my thinking?

When he walked me out to my car, he gave me a quick kiss goodnight, and I was like, “Oh, that I liked.”

— Kissed in GA

This is as much reassurance as advice: It’s OK to say, “Wait, whoa, stop — I need to go really slowly.” It is not oversimplifying to say that anyone who doesn’t immediately respect that gets scratched off your list.

And there’s no “should” for things you don’t like.

We all have issues on which we’re flexible, and others on which we can’t be. It’s a big world: Someone out there will understand and accommodate.

Where the trouble lies is in being rigid where it suits us to be flexible and flexible when we need to be rigid.

You, because of who you are, need someone patient. No budging — unless and until you’re eager to budge. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself. If you err in, say, “shut[ting] down this whole relationship because I’m freaked out,” that’s not the end of the world. It just means you learn and take it from there.

For Kissed:

I was 24 or 25 when I had my first kiss. What I looked for, feeling so inexperienced, was a person with whom I could be honest: “This is new to me, I feel a bit weird going through this the first time at my age.” “I do like you, but I need to pace things.” I would rather have scared him off than been with the wrong partner. Once he understood where I was coming from, I was able to stop things at any point I was uncomfortable. I felt respected and valued.

Speak up. You really don’t want to be with someone who can’t respect your boundaries or your right to voice them.

— Anonymous

Thanks for putting it so well.

Carolyn:

I’m almost 50. I would feel very strange asking to slow the pace. I would feel like I have to explain why it’s been a decade-plus. Thoughts?

— Anonymous 2

The older you are, I hope, the less pressure to explain yourself, though you’re not obligated to at any age. You know yourself. That’s the only justification you need.