‘The Pelosi of Penzance’ offered with apologies

With apologies to W.S. Gilbert and “The Pirates of Penzance.”

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D’s majority.

I pass a bill so I can read what’s written deep inside of it.

Though November felt like Waterloo, it won’t come off my hide a bit.

I paid my dues in 2010. My gavel’s now in Boehner’s paws,

And what is left to see me through — except the LA Times’ applause?

But still I have to guard us all from evil and the GOP.

I’m here to save the planet (plus the perks God gave to me).

I need to show the left I hold ideologic purity

And somehow also hide that fact in media obscurity.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D’s majority.

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

On punishment most capital, a Catholic like me must object.

On matters reproductive, though, that knee-jerk doctrine I reject.

So, too, on matters sexual, transgender or confessional.

I beg for new indulgences — my due as a professional.

On immigration, I recall that Jesus was a refugee.

But churches wanting conscience clauses are fanatics dead to me.

I speak wide-eyed and hushy-toned to demonstrate humility,

Even though I do believe in my infallibility.

I fought for my dear Julia and slew copayments for Plan B.

I do not rue the centrists lost, since no one’s to the left of me.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D’s majority.

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

I know the head of Syria. Damascus is the road to peace.

Does ISIS know I scarf my head when visiting the Middle East?

For U.S. troops, I must now ban appointments so Samarrian.

Hamas, my pals in Qatar say, is most humanitarian.

On matters interrogatory, waterboards were torturous.

“Not who we are,” I sing along with all Barack Obama’s chorus.

I keep my hands and skirts so clean, since drones have such a fine mystique.

And no one can accuse Barack of needing any harsh technique.

The CIA never briefed me on its ways to get intelligence.

Except it did, but I expected torture methods with more elegance.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D’s majority.

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

Email Debra J. Saunders at dsaunders@sfchronicle.com.