I have a shocking confession to make: I don’t like football.
I hesitate to admit that in public, especially on today of all days. But although I am in the extreme minority, I know I am not alone. So for all you people who feel like 12th Man Club rejects, this one’s for you.
We football widows, or football orphans, don’t understand what the fuss is about. To us, football looks like violence and a lot of commercial breaks.
Fifteen minute quarters go on forever.
Yes, we’ve watched a whole game. Of course we paid attention. Definitely we tried to appreciate it, but your football affinity failed to stick. The only part that was marginally interesting was the halftime show.
Also, we find the money involved to be outrageous. When we hear about fans agonizing over selling their tickets to pay off debt, or attending one game, we don’t understand the drama of the choice. We don’t get why the same people who brand opera tickets as outrageously expensive and elitist, eagerly spend three times that amount to go to football games.
Then there are the clothes. Everyone but us is decked out in Seahawks gear. From the drive-thru at McDonalds, to the ladies with fancy manicures, blue and green are everywhere.
If we arrive at our kids’ school a bit early and walk past the cafeteria, we witness students eating free and reduced breakfast who are also wearing $80 jerseys. On what planet does that make sense? We scratch our heads and wonder how parents who can’t afford to feed their children spend so much money on shirts.
Our own kids mock us for our inability to distinguish between a wide receiver and a cornerback. They try to explain it to us in a long monologue during dinner and our eyes glaze over. Why does “cornerback” have to sound so similar to “quarterback?” It’s really confusing and we don’t care enough to concentrate and figure it out.
But speaking of concentration, there’s one football subject we pay careful attention to and that’s the horrible statistics about concussions. Entertaining fans comes at a huge price. We are horrified that the heroes on the field today might be in assisted care units in a couple of decades.
Not only that, but according to the ESPN documentary “Broke” a shocking number of professional football players go bankrupt. Perhaps that’s because when they were young and supposed to be getting an education, many colleges exploited their skills for profit.
So there you have it, Seahawks fans. Somewhere in the middle of your Super Bowl party there could be a guest faking his or her enthusiasm. Sure, we brought a seven-layer dip to share, but that doesn’t mean we have anything beyond a mild interest in who wins today. But don’t worry, at the appropriate time you can count on us to say:
Go Hawks!
Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two. Find her on Twitter @jennbardsley and at www.heraldnet.com/ibrakeformoms and teachingmybabytoread.com.
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