If you’re not a football fan, today is an excellent day to go to Costco and enjoy the surreal experience of being there relatively alone on a Sunday.
For eager Seahawks fans, pre-game coverage officially bottomed out Friday with a report on the state of Russell Wilson’s hair (he’s growing it out). Let the game begin, for the love of all things “12.” But first, a message from our sponsor, the headlines:
“FAA Declares Super Bowl XLIX A ‘No Drone Zone’?”: “It’s not like the White House; we need real security here,” FAA officials probably did not say.
“Pro wrestler cheats at Wing Bowl, hides food in fanny pack”: Was his greasy ruse exposed when a pack of drooling dogs surrounded and pawed at him? Due to his mode of cheating, was he also issued a citation from the fashion police?
“Man who died in 2012 gets reappointed to county board”: Well, why mess with what works? Stay the course.
“Your genes may be to blame for your motion sickness, 23andMe says”: Well, it’s either that, or your lack of willpower and discipline. “I simply choose not to barf.” “Rats. Wrong again.” Or are willpower and discipline also inheritable traits? “I would try harder, but you know, I come from a long line of lazy.”
“Researchers develop robot that walks and flies like a vampire bat”: They hope that the robot can be used for inaccessible search and rescue missions. Gee, after being lost in the wilderness for days, what could be more comforting than to be rescued by a vampire? Or to have one hovering overhead?
“Wake up and smell the fridge that brews coffee”: Doesn’t it go against the entire concept to have a heating element in your refrigerator? Kind of like putting an icemaker in the shower?
“Woman accused of recording adult film in university library”: That would be Oregon State University. The master thespians no doubt couldn’t pass up the chance to have a “clever” mascot-themed film title.
“Idaho salamander bill squashed over federal overreach fears”: A student trying for the fifth time to get the Legislature to name the giant salamander (Dicamptodon aterrimus) the state amphibian was thwarted, due to worries that it would somehow cause the federal government to step in and declare the salamander “protected.”
Which led Frank Lundberg, a herpetologist, who testified in support of the bill, to say: “It is a mistake to ever overestimate the ignorance of the Idaho Legislature.” Likely he meant “underestimate” but point taken.
As if to support Lundberg’s conclusion, Rep. Ken Andrus, R-Lava Hot Springs, said he voted against the salamander because they grossed him out as a boy.
“They were ugly, they were slimy, and they were creepy,” Andrus said. “And I’ve not gotten over that. So to elevate them to the status of being the state amphibian, I’m not there yet.”
Kind of helps keep the foibles of our Legislature in perspective … a little bit.
Halftime trivia: In 2007, our Legislature bravely ignored the specter of federal overreach and named the Pacific chorus frog (Pseudacris regilla) the state amphibian at the request of a third grade class.
Today in ponds and mud all over the state you can hear their croaking chorus: Go Seahawks. Go Seahawks. Go Seahawks.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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