Tips for dealing with loss and grief

  • By Paul Schoenfeld Special to The Herald
  • Monday, February 9, 2015 3:43pm
  • Life

This is a tough month for me.

On Feb. 3, 35 years ago, my brother, only 31, was killed by a hit-and-run drunk driver. And last year, during the first three months of the year, my mother came to the end of her life.

I find myself thinking about my brother, wondering how so many years flew by since his death — a lifetime of missed moments. And this year, as I come closer to the first anniversary of my mother’s passing, I realize how much I miss her. Her birthday is just around the corner.

Fifteen years ago, I promised my mother I would spend every birthday with her for the rest of her life. Every March 8 I flew to Florida to celebrate with her. This will be the first year that I don’t make that trip.

I am grieving.

I am a member of a very large community of adults who have lost a loved one. It’s almost impossible to get to my age and to have missed a visit from the angel of death. Our lives have a beginning, middle and end. How and when this end arrives is unknown.

Here’s what’s important to know about grieving:

Grief comes in waves. No matter how long it’s been, feelings of loss come in waves. Sometimes these breakers wash over you and then pass. Other times they knock you down. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries can bring rough seas and white caps. But sometimes, just hearing a song, watching a movie, or looking at a picture can bring sadness to the surface.

The first year is the hardest. It’s a year filled with firsts without your loved one — first Mother’s Day, first birthday, first Christmas. Your loss is fresh and despite our innate drive to carry on with life, the waves of grief and sadness come more often.

Losing a child. Losing a spouse. For the past 34 years, my mother called me on Feb. 3 in tears over the loss of my brother, her son. A strong woman, survivor of the Great Depression, she felt intense grief over her loss. How could she not?

Losing a spouse is very hard, too. We live with our partner, and their loss is felt during every waking hour of the day. Their death, anticipated or not, requires a huge adjustment on a daily basis.

We don’t “get over” a loss. We do get accustomed to the person’s absence in our life. All too often, well-meaning family members tell a grieving relative to “get over it.” We never really get over a loved one’s passing, but their absence does become more familiar over time. Adjusting to their disappearance in our lives does not stop us from missing them.

Express your feelings. Don’t keep your sadness inside. Find ways of expressing it. Talk to a friend, write down your thoughts and emotions, and allow your feelings to come to the surface. Let your tears wash away your pain.

Grief can be complicated. Sometimes when a relationship has more contrasting emotions associated with it, the loss of that individual can be more difficult to process. Feelings of anger, relief, and guilt can co-exist with sadness. Death brings an end to the possibility of change. When a loved one dies by suicide, it is particularly hard to cope with feelings of guilt and anger over their death.

When needed, seek help. If grief takes over the rest of your life, get help. Sometimes grieving can turn into a depressive episode that interferes with family and work. Counseling and/or medication may be helpful. Ask your doctor for a referral.

Bereavement support groups can be helpful, too. Check out tinyurl.com/oqpbyo7 for resources in our community.

Dr. Paul Schoenfeld is Director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health and has been a clinical psychologist for more than 30 years. Read more of his blog at the Family Talk Blog at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

A stroll on Rome's ancient Appian Way is a kind of time travel. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves on the Appian Way, Rome’s ancient superhighway

Twenty-nine highways fanned out from Rome, but this one was the first and remains the most legendary.

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Inside Elle Marie Hair Studio in Smokey Point. (Provided by Acacia Delzer)
The best hair salon in Snohomish County

You voted, we tallied. Here are the results.

The 2024 Kia EV9 electric SUV has room for up to six or seven passengers, depending on seat configuration. (Photo provided by Kia)
Kia’s all-new EV9 electric SUV occupies rarified air

Roomy three-row electric SUVs priced below 60 grand are scarce.

2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD (Photo provided by Toyota)
2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD

The compact SUV electric vehicle offers customers the ultimate flexibility for getting around town in zero emission EV mode or road-tripping in hybrid mode with a range of 440 miles and 42 mile per gallon fuel economy.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.