Wow, the weather is crazy. Which is to say beautiful. But also unnerving. The premature spring is messing with Mother Nature. With so many lovely things blooming, February is smack-dab in the middle of an identity crisis, questioning its centuries-old gloomy, Gothy persona.
Did they use that “Values Clarification” book when you were in school? Here’s a question that’s not in it: Would you trade our mild winter and early spring for the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl, but with the Northwest experiencing the winter that Boston and the rest of East Coast have endured and continue to endure?
Let’s clarify some headlines:
“Michigan mom selling breast milk online to body builders”: It’s true, as the saying goes, that there’s a sucker born every minute.
“Police: Man unhappy with $50 haircut flew into rage at salon”: Hmm. “Salon Rage.” That’s new. Thanks, guys. Whereas “Salon Regret” is as old as beauty salons themselves. Usually it involves over-tipping, slinking home, having a good cry, calling your best friend, having a good laugh, eating ice cream and finding a new stylist or whichever title they prefer, which varies like your hair color, and start all over again.
“District: 5 students wrongly given ‘Fifty Shades’ puzzles”: Apparently these books, and now the movie, are a bigger phenomena than this middle-aged lady only into M&Ms realized. When your “brand” has its own Word Search Puzzle (“leather cuffs,” “spanking,” and “bondage” among them) you’ve made it big. The district said he puzzles were “mistakenly” put in a stack of worksheets for students. The puzzles, of course, were meant to be put in a stack of worksheets for teachers.
“Movie mix-up shows ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ to ‘SpongeBob’ audience”: Well, that certainly was a painful punishment. The opposite would be more fun: The “Fifty Shades” audience being treated to “SpongeBob,” who keeps his Squarepants on, and his asexual preferences to himself.
“Utah woman seeks world record for catching bridal bouquets”: Jamie Jackson says she has caught 46 bouquets since 1996 and has the documentation to prove it. Jackson calls her “hobby” her “sport” and as such, takes it way too seriously. Guiness World Records should deny her request based on Jackson’s own testimony: “A lot of times it will hit a ceiling, it’ll hit a chandelier … I’ve had many, many catches where I’ve had to jump for it. And I’ve hit little kids by accident.”
Hmm. Injuring little kids while lunging for a bridal bouquet should immediately disqualify one from the “competition.”
But apparently Jackson finds that some injured kids are worth the price of dispelling the myth that whoever catches the bridal bouquet is the next to be married…
My dog is writing a book, “Fifty Shades of Mange.” Unleash your best-seller this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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