Despite the near billion medical-billing code options available today, “March Madness” is not among them. Just in case you’re searching for an illness to keep you home this week. Likewise, “Must Watch Basketball” isn’t a symptom of obsessive compulsive order; and no boss is going to believe a doctor’s note “signed” by Charles Barkley, MD. So do something crazy, commensurate with “March Madness” like actually take some vacation days. Let’s take some wild shots at the headlines:
“March Madness to cost bosses $1.9 million in lost productivity”: No, it won’t. Every year, the same company — “the global outplacement firm Challenger Gray &Christmas” — makes the same prediction and the media dutifully reports it, as if it had some meaning, other than to give publicity to the questionably productive “outplacement firm Challenger Gray &Christmas.”
“Amazon wins approval to test drones in U.S.”: Oh, boy. Just in case you haven’t seen one of these things in action yet, let’s just say they are not without sound. They buzzzz just like you would expect a “drone” would. So, won’t that be lovely to have them delivering stuff in the neighborhood.
“Indian parents climb school wall to help kids cheat”: American helicopter parents, however, weren’t impressed with the Indian parents’ low-tech Spiderman approach, saying it would be much easier to simply use a drone.
“Post-Ferguson, Starbucks initiates public conversations on race”: Just curious, how many Starbucks are there in Ferguson, Missouri?
“Washington lawmakers let free meals reporting die without a vote”: That sounds about right. Like the Cookie Monster(s): “Om nom nom nom … me eat lobbyist food!”
“This bacon-topped hot dog in a Krispy Kreme donut bun is the epitome of America”: Really? What happened to Mom and apple pie? Anyway, the artery-clogger is debuting at a minor league baseball game, not with our free-meal lovin’ Washington legislators.
“Coke a good snack? Health experts who work with Coke say so”: Now that’s America. Paying someone to tell you what you want to hear, despite all scientific evidence to the contrary, and then advertising it as the truth.
“UN: World eating too much sugar; cut to 5-10 percent of diet”: What a bunch of freedom-haters!
“Kythera Biopharmaceuticals Inc’s (KYTH) double-chin treatment backed by FDA panel”: The injection “kills fat cells under the chin,” while leaving neighboring tissues “largely unaffected.”
Approval comes just in time, as the company explains that double chins are “a much-cited yet undertreated facial aesthetic complaint.” And while Kythera calls the treatment a “cure” for “submental fat,” let’s remember that “aesthetic complaints” about body parts are not a “disease” and therefore can’t be “cured.” No doubt the injection has the requisite long, long list of possible side effects, which then bring the lawsuits, advertised by those legal eagles on TV. All of which is also the epitome of America.
In the name of science, let’s inject the double-chin cure into the bacon-topped hot dog in a Krispy Kreme donut bun and see what happens.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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