Spring fever is the one disease where the more communicable, the better. Possible symptoms: Picnics and canoodling. Daydreams and random frolicking. (Like a lamb, or a red-nosed reindeer, leaping about, rejoicing, “I’m cute. I’m cute. She said I’m cute!”) Let’s flit through the springy headlines:
“Arizona lawmaker wants church attendance to be mandatory”: Hmm. Should candidates and elected officials have to pass a civics and U.S. citizenship exam(s), like those who wish to become naturalized citizens do?
“30 never-before-seen species of flies discovered in Los Angeles”: They’re just seeking fame and stardom, or at least a reality show, same as everyone else.
“Study proves pandas aren’t loners”: Did anyone really think the cuddly looking creatures preferred solitude? Or is “loner” now code for “endangered”?
“UnderArmour is the NCAA Tournament’s real Cinderella story”: Thank goodness, some competition for Nike, which is a sartorial and economic necessity, because the Oregon company’s monopoly on college and pro athletic uniforms is boring and anti-capitalistic.
“Mom busts selfie-loving thief who taunted iPhone owner”: We can only trust the prime members of Generation Narcissus are a self-limiting group of non-survivalists.
“Dark matter is more mysterious and weirder than previously thought”: But of course! It wouldn’t be dark matter if wasn’t mysterious!
“John Calipari leaving Kentucky for the NBA would be crazy”: Indeed. He has an NBA-level feeder team competing against college teams. Who would leave that?
“Facebook wants to become the Internet”: Of course it does. How else to rule the world? And it explains the following headline:
“Facebook: The next home of The New York Times?”: Et tu, Ochs-Sulzberger family? All the news that’s fit to “like.”
“George Zimmerman says his conscience is clear, accuses Obama of bias”: Doesn’t Zimmerman protest his innocence a bit too much? Which, like O.J. Simpson, he manages to do in between other brushes with the law, one of which will one day land him in prison, a belated punishment for his original crime.
“Chevy’s helping parents spy on their terrible teen drivers”: Actually, it’s less about the teens’ driving than it is an acknowledgement of a needed monitoring system because the company is unable to erase the awful 1973 “Chevy Van” song from the parents’ consciousness.
“Apple Charges $1.29 for ringtone songs; Here’s how to install them for free”: Here’s Slate, a website that is trying to get some paid subscribers, rerunning an article that first appeared in “Business Insider” that perpetuates the myth that all “content” on the Internet ought to be free, and if it’s not, how one can steal it “for free.”
“Apple’s Tim Cook leads different”: When did we give up on adverbs altogether?
“Emily Ratajkowski: There’s such a thing as ‘too pretty’?”: Yes, it’s true, some people in life definitely have bigger burdens to bear than others. Try to carry on.
Be more mysterious and weirder than previously thought this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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