Right now I’m as agitated as Arya without Needle, Catelyn without justice, Margery without a husband, or Daenerys watching Drogon unleashed. The whole world is primed for the season five debut of “Game of Thrones” tonight on HBO, but my husband and I cut cable to save coppers. For us it will be an epic wait for the DVDs.
I understand that George R.R. Martin’s universe is not for everyone. “Too much violence,” you say. “Too much sex,” says your mother. “How can you watch a show with (fill in the blank) incest, orgies, horse decapitations, regicide, patricide, infanticide, and totally inappropriate dwarf humor?”
The answer is simple: I close my eyes for a lot of it. The rest of the time I fight hard not to reveal spoilers to my husband because I’ve read all the books. So tonight, instead of turning on the television I’ll curl up on the couch and reread “A Feast of Crows.” It will give me the chance to plot.
You’ve probably seen those fun Facebook quizzes: “If you were in Westeros, which house would you hail from?” Well, I’ve taken that game to a whole new geographical level. Behold, my master comparison of Westeros and western Washington!
The Wall would be our nation’s border, protecting us from Canadian Wildings. I’ve never been to Mole’s Town, but I hear Blaine is a fun place for party if you are a B.C. resident seeking to enjoy Washington cannabis.
Everett, you are clearly Winterfell, the mightiest city in the North. No, you don’t have direwolfs, underground hot springs or family crypts with missing swords, but you do have the Silvertips and Boeing. Casterly Rock is wherever Boeing executives sit on their fine golden privies. Remember, a Lannister always pays his debts — tick Boeing off and they’ll get even.
The Neck, one of the most difficult places to cross in all of Westeros, is that nasty speed trap on I-5 in Smokey Point. Unless you have the Hound with you, be careful and slow down.
Riverrun is obviously Snohomish. I don’t know what type of trout flies on the House Tully banner, but I bet you could catch one in the Snohomish River. Plus, the Riverlands are known for fertile farm country.
The Eyre, that fortress that can’t be broken, would be Monroe, by virtue of the Monroe Correctional Complex. (I don’t want to know where the Bloody Gate would be.) Highgarden, home to House Tyrell with their sigil of a golden rose, is Edmonds, with their lovely Edmonds in Bloom competition.
Further south our geography gets hazy. Kings Landing should technically be to the east. But I think all of King County qualifies, especially if you consider their high property taxes.
Finally, we come to Dorne, that mysterious city that never does what the rest of Westeros wants. Dorne, home to vipers and sand snakes. By the old gods and the new — Olympia — can we trust you?
Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two. Find her on Twitter @jennbardsley and at www.heraldnet.com/ibrakeformoms and teachingmybabytoread.com.
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