It seems Russell Wilson’s grandma, and backup date singer Ciara, didn’t get the news that I was destined to accompany the Seahawks quarterback to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner this weekend. (I asked myself, “Why not you, Carol?”) Apparently Wilson didn’t get the news either. But come on, call an audible, Russ. Change it up. I’ll wear my most elegant ink and coffee stained outfit!
The normally unflappable Wilson: “Uh, OK. Why don’t you go long, Sport? Keep going. That’s right. Keep going. Farther!” Let’s run the headlines route:
“Google Maps lets you search for the Loch Ness Monster from your couch”: Which only makes sense, because why go all the way to Scotland to search for something that doesn’t exist? Is the search for Bigfoot next up for Google Maps?
“Seattle drivers can’t seem to handle themselves around emergency vehicles”: Meaning, specifically, they won’t pull over for emergency vehicles, as dictated by law. Because, you know, they are busy texting, talking and driving, and an ambulance certainly can’t be going anywhere more important than they are.
“Elysian’s head brewer resigns after Anheuser-Busch sale”: Dick Cantwell, head brewer and co-founder of Elysian, explained: “The tenor of the deal, mainly from the point of view of my former partners and me, was such that I can’t possibly work with them into a future of any duration…” So you sell your craft beer company to a major corporate brewer, if not the biggest corporate brewer, and then feign surprise that you can’t work with them? There’s nothing wrong with selling out, but making it sound like it wasn’t all your own doing is, uh, disingenuous. Just take the money and be quiet.
“Robot teddy bears predicted”: Robot teddy bears? Instead, let’s give every child in the world a stuffed bear and a copy of the 1968 book “Corduroy” by Don Freeman. It’s about a stuffed bear at a department store who is missing a button on his overalls, but a little girl falls in love with him anyway, despite his glaring imperfection.
“Jay Feely says Tim Tebow was the ‘single worst quarterback’ he ever saw”: Gosh, Jay, how do you really feely?” The 14-year NFL placekicker wouldn’t be looking for a post-football TV sports commentary job, would he?
“Boeing to lay off 153 workers in Puget Sound region”: The workers are engineers. Which fulfills Boeing’s insistence that there aren’t enough qualified engineers to fill the jobs they have, and want Washington schools to quickly educate and graduate … more engineers.
Strategies: Don’t slip up with “overconfident posturing”: This is advice for small business startups, but it would seem to apply to everything in life … (And watch out for its opposite as well — the low self-esteem posturing. Which is mainly just bad posture, but still.)
“Mo’Nique explains why she finally started shaving her legs”: Wow. What a scoop for this national newspaper. Very impressive, Fourth Estate.
I tried explaining to Russell Wilson why I, unlike Mo’Nique, still won’t shave my legs, but I was still running my keep-going route, staying ahead of the Secret Service agents. I’ll catch up with him another time. Run toward your destiny this week.
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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