Extroverts don’t understand introverts

  • By Carolyn Hax
  • Monday, May 4, 2015 12:59pm
  • Life

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I have a mother-in-law like the one in a recent column. She has in the past made me feel smothered. Over the years I have realized that she is pretty much acting on “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” — that is, she is a huge extrovert, hates being alone, and would love family dropping in to see her, lots of people around, someone throwing a surprise party for her. Unfortunately, what she doesn’t realize is that I don’t love those things. I am pretty sure she has never realized that I am an introvert and like alone time a LOT (and particularly treasure it now that I am a mom), and also she may possibly not even know that such things as introverts exist. She means well but is utterly exhausting to deal with.

To others dealing with something similar: This behavior may not be a plot to drive you insane. Some people really have a very hard time understanding personality types that are very different from their own.

— Anonymous

This is a great point about any two people trying to reconcile different social preferences and energies: If it’s going to work, then you have to know, accept, embrace the reality of different personality types.

Or body types, or gender expressions, or approaches to chores, or seat-reclining preferences, or politics, or religious beliefs, or anything else, if we’re going to go off on a rant: If you’re stuck on One Right Way of Being, then you’re picking the steepest of uphill paths through life.

Dear Carolyn:

I was wondering if you had any feelings about stepchildren getting some alone time with their original parents. For the past 10 years, I’ve had very little time with my dad on his own, and now he’s moved very far away, so I’ve asked if we could do get-togethers with just us once per year. He doesn’t want to hurt stepmom’s feelings. Thoughts?

— Adult Stepchild

I always have thoughts, but they’re not always relevant.

I’m with you here, that sometimes people with an old bond enjoy seeing each other without partners acquired after the fact. This can apply not just with families of origin, but also buddies from childhood, school, military, sleep-away camp, especially anything that involves immersion in a particular experience.

I also think it’s a mistake to bring hurt feelings into it. It’s not that you don’t like or care about [person added later]; there’s just a different chemistry with others present.

But: This is only relevant if your dad agrees.

You can try spelling out that you like Stepmom just fine, you merely want a little original-family-only immersion. You can make sure you schedule, say, three visits that include Stepmom for every one that doesn’t; you can make the just-family time a smaller part of a group visit; you can even enlist Stepmom as an ally, since she no doubt has been in a similar position herself. (Now, will she admit to that when doing so might go against her own immediate interests? Dunno — depends on her integrity.)

Those are my thoughts. Good luck.

(c) 2015, Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Brandon Hailey of Cytrus, center, plays the saxophone during a headlining show at Madam Lou’s on Friday, Dec. 29, 2023 in Seattle, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Lynnwood-based funk octet Cytrus has the juice

Resilience and brotherhood take center stage with ‘friends-first’ band.

FILE - In this April 11, 2014 file photo, Neko Case performs at the Coachella Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif. Fire investigators are looking for the cause of a fire on Monday, Sept. 18, 2017, that heavily damaged Case’s 225-year-old Vermont home. There were no injuries, though a barn was destroyed. It took firefighters two hours to extinguish the blaze. (Photo by Scott Roth/Invision/AP, File)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Singer-songwriter Neko Case, an indie music icon from Tacoma, performs Sunday in Edmonds.

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
Tangier’s market boasts piles of fruits, veggies, and olives, countless varieties of bread, and nonperishables, like clothing and electronics.
Rick Steves on the cultural kaleidoscope of Tangier in Morocco

Walking through the city, I think to myself, “How could anyone be in southern Spain — so close — and not hop over to experience this wonderland?”

chris elliott.
Vrbo promised to cover her rental bill in Hawaii, so why won’t it?

When Cheryl Mander’s Vrbo rental in Hawaii is uninhabitable, the rental platform agrees to cover her new accommodations. But then it backs out. What happened?

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.