My mom really liked the humor columnist and author Erma Bombeck, and so did I. (In the ’70s, her twice-weekly columns ran in 900 newspapers, reaching a potential 30 million readers….) Here are a couple Bombeck quotes to get your Mother’s Day started:
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?” “Don’t you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?” “Wasn’t there any change?”
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”
Let’s take a maternal look at the headlines.
“Too much money in politics? Boehner says he’s not buying it”: Hence the problem.
“Cancerous fish found in Pennsylvania river”: Another reason why we should reconsider allowing industry to dictate how much pollution is pumped into the Puget Sound and other state waters.
“On thin ice: Why are frozen meals on the decline?”: Hmm. Because they tend toward tastelessness, while also containing a week’s worth of sodium?
“Lindsey Vonn refuses to talk about her split with Tiger Woods”: Don’t you love the accusatory tone? As if Vonn has some contractual obligation to discuss her private life.
“Kale? McDonald’s bringing three kale salads to Canada”: And if those three salads sell, McDonalds might very well go ahead and order a dozen more.
“Boy or girl? Family with 12 sons finds out soon about No. 13”: “The odds are not in our favor,” (of having a girl) said mom Kateri Schwandt. Wrong. The most likely explanation for same-gender families is simple chance. So, in theory, it remains 50-50 odds the baby will be a girl, the 13th time around. (Place your bets.) Meanwhile, apparently it’s too late for Erma Bombeck’s advice: “Never have more children than you have car windows.” Unless they drive a school bus, or something.
“Tom Brady’s agent pans Deflategate report, calls it ‘sad day for the league’?” and “Tom Brady Sr. vehemently defends son: ‘This was Framegate right from the beginning’?”: So the quarterback’s agent, and daddy, loudly come to his defense. How helpful for a grown man.
“Whole Foods to open chain for Millennials”: The expensive, organic grocery chain is opening a separate chain of lower-priced stores aimed at the younger generation. Hmm. Do you have to show your Millennial ID to shop there, or can money-strapped older generations also take advantage of the lower prices? Will the stores be called “Partial Foods”?
“Woman suing United for $5 million (yep, $5 million) after her $7.99 in-flight DirecTV didn’t work”: You know, due to the emotional distress and all.
“Mother’s Day: How to eat free all day”: While getting stuff for free is a pastime for many (and a mission statement while online), go ahead and take your mom out for a meal or treat that you pay for, or make yourself.
Let’s give Erma the last word: Mother’s words of wisdom: “Answer me! Don’t talk with food in your mouth!”
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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