Sure, here in the Northwest this is considered a “heat wave.” For most people everywhere else, it’s considered pretty much close to paradise. Let’s slather on more sunscreen and toast the headlines.
“Rich Californians balk at limits: ‘We’re not all equal when it comes to water’?”: That’s true. According to water.org, 750 million people throughout the world — about 1 in 9 — lack access to safe water. But the headline refers to some rich Californians who are worried about brown lawns, and say that if they can afford it, they should be able to use as much water as they want. You just can’t argue with that kind of logic. Not to mention sense of entitlement.
“World’s aquifers losing replenishment race, researchers say”: “Nonsense,” say the rich Californians. “Where can I buy one?”
“14 brands of bottled water recalled over E. coli concerns”: There might be a market for rich Californians, so they can fertilize their green lawns.
“More people are taking potty breaks at I-5 rest areas”: Yes, as anyone caught in an hour-plus traffic jam during the hours-plus commute home after an afternoon of drinking coffee at work, or healthfully hydrating on water all day, can attest that this is sometimes necessary.
““Google forfeits its eavesdropping powers, but that doesn’t mean Siri, Cortana aren’t listening”: Well, naturally. Sheesh.
“Robber or flasher? Police say this guy decided to be both”: No one ever said multitasking was reserved for hard-driving go-getters, or those who choose to text and drive.
“Is this the most annoying restaurant trend today?”: This refers to the practice of servers removing plates from those who have finished their meal, while others at the table are still eating. It is almost always accompanied by the ungracious inquiry: “Are you still working on that?”
Another annoying trend is everybody doing the same thing: For example, in the past couple of years, “charcuterie” — pork products such as salami, sausages and prosciutto — was suddenly on everyone’s appetizer list. Oh, excuse me, it was suddenly on everyone’s “first plate” list. Pretentiousness is really the most annoying, ongoing trend.
“Winnipeg residents hear sex talk coming from police chopper”: Ooh, rotary wing shades of grey. To clarify the headline, the helicopter occupants were talking about sex, not engaging in the talk that sometimes accompanies sex, which at least, you know, makes it safer. For flying in a helicopter.
“Report: Google wearable would let your doctor track you”: So remember to take it off when you go to KFC for lunch, or engage in helicopter sex talk.
“CDC confirms red eyes at the pool are caused by urine, not chlorine”: Ah, the tell-tale sign of the “European” vacation.
“Embrace the Neanderthal within you”: And interbreed with a human? Yikes. Or demand that your dinner plate be removed while members of your dinner party are still eating?
Hot weather is the perfect time for “cold cuts,” the country mouse cousins to “charcuterie.”
Carol MacPherson: 425-339-3472; cmacpherson@heraldnet.com
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