Modern American families often combine mine, yours and ours. Marriage and divorce haven’t gone out of style. The divorce rate hovers between 40-50%, which makes for a large number of second marriages.
Thirty-two percent of marriages will come to end between 5-10 years of married life. Many people then become a stepmom or stepdad in another relationship. There are about 30 million stepparents in the United States.
My parents divorced when I was 13, after 20 years of marriage. My mother was only 21 when she got married and barely 40 when she got divorced. Her second husband had two daughters, who were in elementary school at the time. My father remarried, too, and his wife had two daughters from her previous marriage.
I didn’t care much for my stepfather, who was actually pretty sensitive to my shifting moods and general disregard for him. On the other side, I had a stepmother I didn’t get along with. She resented the fact my father had been married before and took it out on my brothers and me. Her kids were much younger, 2 and 5, at the time my dad came on the scene.
My dad and his wife hoped for one big happy family, which crashed and burned very quickly. My mom and her husband were less ambitious and were more accepting of the natural feelings of ambivalence that my brothers and I had toward our new stepfamily.
I never became close to my stepsiblings, even after many decades. Some of that was due to my stepmom, some of it was due to my stepsiblings and their feelings toward their parents, some of it was due to me, and some of it was just a function of chemistry between us that never gelled.
Stepfamily life is complex. Newlyweds imagine that their love will overcome all of the emotional barriers to a harmonious blended family. It doesn’t always work that way. The relationships can be hard to negotiate.
Here are some tips to help navigate stepparenthood:
Have realistic expectations. Love between two adults doesn’t extend to their kids. Children may be still struggling with the aftermath of their parents’ divorce, which is challenging enough. They may hardly know their parent’s new spouse and may not be too happy that their mom or dad has a new relationship. They may still be hoping and praying that their parents will get back together again. This is not the stuff of “one big happy family.” Expect some minor or major behavioral eruptions.
Go slow. Just get to know your stepkids. Spend some time learning what they’re interested in, what they like to do and who they are. Don’t be surprised if they act disinterested or standoffish. They’re checking you out — trying to figure out what this new life will be like. Keep a little respectful distance while they get used to this new situation.
Get help. In retrospect, neither one of my parents thought to find a family therapist that might help us work out our difficulties. We needed professional help, in both families. It’s too much to expect that the challenges that arise will just work themselves out. Professional help can make a huge difference in helping family members cope with a new family constellation. Don’t be reluctant to ask your family doctor to make a recommendation.
Ironically, after 15 years, my stepfather and I became close friends. I developed a friendship with my stepdad as an adult that was warm, loving and supportive. He provided me with a wonderful older adult male role model that has served me well for my adult life. Trust me, when I was 13, I would never have predicted that outcome.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.
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