I spend a lot of time coaching people about money management. Without a doubt, the saddest sessions are when people fight with family about finances.
The combat gets particularly nasty when it involves siblings, who seem to know just the right insults to inflict deep hurt.
Can I be honest? Many of these arguments result from parents stoking rivalries or playing favorites, particularly to irresponsible adult children. Or a parent will tell one child one thing and another something entirely different. Sometimes it’s to keep the peace among warring adult children, but other times it’s a conscious efffort to deceive.
I sometimes ask my readers about family financial feuds — and try to provide clarity from my perspective. Sometimes it helps to get an outsider’s viewpoint.
Recently I heard from a reader who is upset about parental support given to a sibling.
The background: The reader’s sister, who is 30, has received substantial financial assistance from the parents her entire adult life.
They were paying her rent at one time, and now she lives in their basement. The sister’s unemployed boyfriend is also has been staying there for about nine months — including during a period when they were broken up. The reader feels alone among her family in being upset about how the parents have supported the sister.
The battle: The reader asked, “I want to know why I am the only one [in the family] to find a problem with [the boyfriend] living off of my parents as well. Even when they broke up, he moved to a different room but still paid no rent and had no job. No, actually he’d got a job but had to quit after a week because he thought construction work was too hard. My parents think they’re helping someone who is down on his luck. They also paid to get his car fixed and all his insurance and gas money.
“Why am I the only one who doesn’t trust him?”
The bottom line: I’d like to unwrap this as best I can without additional information. (People don’t always give me all the facts.)
Let’s start with the rent. A lot of young adults have trouble making ends meet. They may be underemployed, carrying student loan debt or both. So I’m not opposed to parents chipping in to help an adult child starting out.
But parents have to distinguish between help and a handout. I’m particularly concerned about parents who are retired and digging into limited retirement funds to help an irresponsible adult.
You are doing your child a disservice — and, really, you aren’t being a good parent — when you enable poor behavior. If the spigot is never turned off, it will run dry. How have you helped your child learn to survive on his or her own?
Regarding the reader’s sister moving back in with her folks, I’m not opposed to that either. My husband and I have told our children they are welcome to return home after college to save and prepare themselves to live on their own. In fact, we encourage it.
Our older daughter is about to graduate from college (Yeah!) and she’s going straight to graduate school. We’ve told her that after she finishes her education, she should come home. We want her to save the money she would pay for rent for a few years so that once she launches she’ll have a fully funded emergency pot or even money for a down payment on a home of her own.
And I’ll add this: I’m a fan of multigenerational or shared housing. In many high-cost areas, it’s hard for families to afford rent or a house. Shared living space is one solution to this problem.
Now as to the boyfriend: This wouldn’t happen in my house. The parents are not responsible for supporting this grown man, who is not married to their daughter — and who appears to have no work ethic.
Finally, as for my reader, I understand the concern. Who wants to see their parents taking care of a trifling adult child? But if this is about the sister getting more than she deserves, let it go. It’s not your money.
— Washington Post Writers Group
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