‘10,000 B.C.’: Bloated caveman epic lacks excitement

The title “10,000 B.C.” doesn’t quite have the oomph of former caveman pictures, including the twice-filmed “One Million Years B.C.” But maybe being more chronologically correct has its advantages.

One the other hand, when you’re talking about a movie like this, credibility is not the main issue. This is an excuse for loincloths, spears, and special-effects mammoths.

While he’s at it, “Independence Day” director Roland Emmerich also drags in pyramids, dinosaurs and a slave revolt. It’s a busy schedule, and yet not much seems to happen in this movie.

Our hero is D’leh (Steven Strait), a hunk who must chase across icy mountains and desert plains to retrieve his betrothed, Evolet (Camilla Belle). She’s been kidnapped by the bad men from the south.

Much of “10,000 B.C.” is arranged in a way that recalls Mel Gibson’s exciting “Apocalypto,” but without the crazy, headlong rush. There’s a pretty fair mammoth hunt near the beginning, and a diverting adventure with some giant malevolent birds. A large saber-toothed kitty is a triumph of computer-generated effects, which is another way of saying we never really believe in him.

Emmerich knows how to push buttons, and the movie does have fun moments, especially when the evil slave-owners begin getting their just desserts. But the dialogue (it’s in English) is clunky, and Steven Strait doesn’t work up much charisma. The movie also offers no equivalent to Raquel Welch’s fur bikini in “One Million Years B.C.” I merely mention it.

Needless to say, as in most Hollywood caveman epics, all the actors have really nice teeth. The filmmakers have found amazing locations (in New Zealand and South Africa), well-researched costumes, and all that. But teeth are the final taboo.

The best in this line was probably the 1981 “Quest for Fire,” a movie that invented a grunting language and tried to stick to credible behaviors. I think the actors had pretty bad teeth in that one, as a matter of fact.

“10,000 B.C.” makes you wonder what the draw was for Emmerich and Co. Maybe the tale of a simple mammoth-hunter seemed appealing after the giant scale of “Godzilla” and “The Day After Tomorrow,” but this one ends up seeming similarly bloated.