Recently, I spoke to a young woman 20 years old, who lost her mother to cancer. Naturally, she feels bereft. It’s so hard to lose a parent on the eve of adult life. She imagines the years ahead — marriage, children and career — without the guidance and support of her mom. She worries about her father and how he will cope. She spent many hours and days over the last two years helping her mother and caring for her. She hoped and expected her mom to recover. With her death, she feels defeated.
Grief and loss are an inevitable part of life. With birth and life comes the certainty of death. This we know. But how and when is unknown and uncertain. We hope that our loved ones will live a long, fulfilling life and that we will, too. But the natural conclusion of life occurs in many different ways — through illness, accident, war, suicide, or simply from time. The clock will run out on all of us. While we know this intellectually, survivors are never prepared for the emotions that follow loss, whether it’s expected or not.
The first months are always the hardest. My mother, who lived a long and full life, died a week after her 91st birthday. Despite my anticipation of her death after several months of her decline, I wasn’t prepared for the depth of my sadness. Waves of grief came unexpectedly while driving to work, staring out the window, talking to family members, or looking at a small statue of a manatee that stood guard on her dresser. I was aware of feeling a heaviness, even when I didn’t feel sad. I knew that there was nothing to do about this. It’s natural. I had to let it be and let those feelings and emotions take their course.
It’s far more difficult when a life partner passes away. Spouses inhabit our everyday lives in both big and small ways. When they pass away, bereaved partners feel the full weight of loss. Every waking hour brings potent reminders of their absence. Holidays and birthdays can be especially hard.
The death of a child is by far the worst loss for adults. There’s so much pain, guilt and heartache. We’re supposed to pass away before our children. Their death, before ours, seems unnatural. Friends and family feel helpless to soothe the pain of parents. It’s a long journey for these adults.
So, what can bereaved adults do to cope with grief and loss?
Acceptance is important. In our culture, we view death as an enemy. We value having a “stiff upper lip” when it comes to grief and loss. Yet, sadness over loss is a natural emotion that we all experience. It’s important to accept your feelings and let them be. They will pass on their timetable.
Grief comes in waves. Over the years, without warning, a wave of grief will wash over me. I’ll think about how much I miss my parents. Sometimes, that wave knocks me down and it takes time before I can get up. As the years pass, these waves are less frequent, but they still come from time to time.
Share your grief with others. All too often, we keep our sadness inside. There, it’s more likely to fester. Let your friends and family know when sad feelings arise.
Grief can be complicated. Relationships can be complex, especially when we have mixed feelings towards our loved ones. Bereaved adults can feel a mixture of feelings — sadness, relief, anger, hurt, guilt and remorse. It can be useful to consult a mental health provider to sort out complicated emotions when they’re distressing.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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