In the first 10 minutes of the “Baywatch” movie there’s a scene where swimsuit model Kelly Rohrbach does the Heimlich maneuver on a beach nerd who has a crush on her.
It’s in slow motion. Because this is “Baywatch.”
For a moment, it looks as though this movie might be promising.
Alas, “Baywatch” can’t stick with it. This movie jiggles between self-parody and nearly-straight action, never quite committing to either.
With Dwayne Johnson cast as beach beefcake Mitch Buchannon, the focus is going to be mostly comedy. Which would be fine if the jokes were better.
The movie’s plot — far too complicated for something this sarcastic — puts selfish Olympic swimmer Matt Brody (Zac Efron) on the Baywatch squad of lifeguard-detectives. Other new recruits include token brunette Summer (Alexandra Daddario) and the beach nerd (Jon Bass).
As for Rohrbach, she vaults near the top of Sports Illustrated swimsuit-issue model-turned-actors, easily outpointing the likes of Kathy Ireland and Brooklyn Decker in that hallowed tradition.
There’s a predatory hotel developer (Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra) bribing officials and dumping bodies offshore, a rather grisly main plotline for a tongue-in-cheek movie.
“Baywatch” also has an R rating, a perverse decision. The raunchiness includes male nudity involving a corpse, which is really a phrase that sums up a certain kind of Hollywood comedy in recent years.
Cameos from the TV show are in place (and are billed in the opening credits, which ruins whatever surprise they might have had). Johnson does his usual World’s Best Uncle routine and comes across all right.
Acting in a string of rancid R-rated comedies seems to have rubbed off on Efron. He looks like he’s aged more rapidly than normal, as though each well-defined abdominal muscle had cost him a year of his life.
Director Seth Gordon (“Horrible Bosses”) manages exactly the same tone as most movie comedies, where pop-culture references and tepid sex gags are delivered by talented comic actors. There are isolated funny moments, yet nothing builds to anything, unless you count the requisite big action finale.
The worst thing about “Baywatch” — except for the full-frontal corpse thing, I guess — is that after all the self-parody, we’re expected to buy it when Mitch does his “Baywatch is family” speech. Please. That stuff is bad enough in the “Fast and Furious” movies, but it’s even worse on the beach. And in slow motion.
“Baywatch” (1 star)
The infamous TV series about lifeguard-detectives who run in slow motion comes to the big screen, with a serious of tepid jokes that never build to anything. Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron lead the cast, but can’t do much with a nonexistent storyline and a series of R-rated gags.
Rating: R, for violence, language, subject matter
Showing: Alderwood, Alderwood Mall, Cinebarre Mountlake Terrace, Everett Stadium, Galaxy Monroe, Marysville, Stanwood Cinemas, Meridian, Oak Tree, Pacific Place, Thornton Place Stadium, Woodinville, Cascade Mall
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