Breaking up with a manipulative roommate

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn:

How do I tell my friend/roommate that I want to spend less time together? I’d like to try just being roommates for the rest of our lease, but she’s been having a hard time and I don’t want to upset her further. Our friendship feels toxic and one-sided but I’m not sure what to say that I won’t be manipulated out of. I’ve helped her through a lot the past few years but it seems like there’s always a new crisis.

I’m worried that if I explain why I don’t want to be her friend anymore, she’ll spiral, lash out, and we’ll both be even more miserable. Help?

— Stressed Froomie

It’s on her that she’s manipulative, but on you that her attempts are successful.

This answers a different question from the one you asked, but it sounds as if you need to work on your own emotional fortitude. That means learning to say no; to say something because it’s true or honest, versus because it’s expedient; to accept consequences for the previous two as awkward but better than the alternative of getting sucked in; that getting involved with people’s dramas isn’t the only definition of “help.”

Sometimes, upsetting people is the natural consequence of being true to yourself.

Sometimes, being upset is bad for the moment but good for the person.

Sometimes, the most helpful thing to say is, “I’m sorry to hear that. What do you think you’ll do?” — as opposed to volunteering yourself to propose or execute a solution.

I’ve recommended this book a lot lately as a primer on boundaries — “Lifeskills for Adult Children” by Janet Woititz and Alan Garner — and it might help you. Your roommate, too, but one psyche at a time.

Dear Carolyn:

Could we just have a moratorium on people without kids commenting about parenting? If you don’t have children, you have zero basis for knowing what a parent is going through and zero room for judgment. Sorry, but childless people don’t know squat when it comes to raising kids.

— Anonymous

There’s a line here, certainly, but I don’t draw it where you do.

To say that a childless person has no standing to be concerned when, say, a parent is mistreating a kid, is just hostile to people without kids.

In fact, many choose not to be parents because they won’t risk repeating the mistakes of their own abusive parents. Are you really going to say these people of conscience can’t responsibly identify — or identify with — a child in distress?

If we’re talking about a decision to serve cheezy poofs vs. carrot sticks, OK, then I’m all for telling bystanders where they can stuff their opinions. And certainly getting a quick glimpse of something amiss is not proof of anything, and a veteran parent is probably in a better position to envision a bigger picture than a non-parent would be.

But if a childless villager witnesses enough to conclude reasonably that a parent is out of line, then I’ll have that villager’s back. The alternative endangers kids.