Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Feb. 2, 18 and 20, 2005.
Dear Carolyn:
My sister is pregnant for the first time, and I’m excited to become an uncle. The issue: The names she has picked out are so soap opera-esque that I want to ask how she could name her kid that. Any advice?
— Va.
Buy her a few of those stuffed terry cloth rattles. Babies love them, they’re washable, and, whenever you’re about to criticize your sister’s taste in names, you can stuff one in your mouth.
Dear Carolyn:
I need help. I’ve been in a relationship for seven years. I want out. No major problems between us; she is an incredible woman. It kills me to hurt her. My problem is I just want to live on my own, always have. We’ve (I’ve) separated three times before, but she so completely falls apart that I end up returning mostly out of a feeling of responsibility.
I know that prolonging this indefinitely isn’t fair to either of us, and if I make a clean, permanent break she will end up finding the right man for her. How do I end this with finality?
— Arizona
You’re fully aware of, and right about, your need to break up — you don’t want her, and she can’t really want a guy who doesn’t want her. That means going back to her whenever she falls apart is not an act of responsibility but of selfishness. You’re unwilling to suffer the short-term discomfort necessary to a long-term cure.
So stop. Break up. And cheer up: Her collapsing for you to see is extremely manipulative and, therefore, just as selfish. “Incredible” people show love by declining to pile on the guilt.
Dear Carolyn:
I have fallen for a co-worker. She started a few months ago, and we have become close friends. About a month ago, I asked her out and she became emotional, started to cry, and said no because she is having family problems and can’t handle anything else right now. A few weeks later, I asked if her answer would have been different if her family situation were better, and she said yes, but I still can’t tell if she is being honest or just trying not to hurt me.
I think she does have feelings for me. Where do I go from here? I don’t want to keep bringing it up, but I want to know if something is there or not. Am I just not getting the hint?
— P.B.
Even if she is being honest, it doesn’t mean you’ll end up together. A no is a no, no matter what the reason or degree, until she comes to you with a yes.
Plus, family problems can throw people off course in ways that are as unpredictable as they are dramatic — especially tear-inducing, date-inhibiting, emotional-credit-card-maxing family problems like this woman seems to have.
If you’d be her friend even if romance were never an option, then just keep being that friend. No agenda. If you’ve fallen too hard for that, then tell her so, and ask her to let you know if she changes her mind.
— Washington Post Writers Group
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