‘It takes a village to raise a child’ African proverb is true

Coaches, teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents and family friends can look out for your children.

When I was 13 years old, my beloved grandmother, who lived with us, died. Several months later, my parents got divorced— all in the same year.

It was the hardest year in my life. The loss of my grandmother from a sudden heart attack was devastating. She had lived with us since I was 8 years old. A few months later, my parents announced to me that they were getting a divorce. My parents sold our house and my mother and I moved into an apartment.

My older brothers were in college and both of my parents were completely absorbed with their own life crisis. I felt completely alone at a vulnerable time in my life — early adolescence.

But I was also fortunate. My mother’s best friend, Ruthie, made her home available to me. During that year, I stayed at her house almost every weekend. I had grown up with Ruthie and her family; they were always in our lives. She was an honorary aunt. She had two rules when I spent weekends at her house — I had to clean up after myself and not say anything bad about her best friend, my mother.

I was in ninth grade, it was 1965, in the middle of the Vietnam War and the civil rights movement, and drug use was rampant. I could have ended up going down a dark path, if left to my own devices. One close friend became a heroin addict and another died of an overdose. It was a tumultuous time.

Ruthie saved my life.

She was there for me when I needed an adult who I trusted, respected, who would listen to me, and simply accept and love me without any conditions. She opened her house, her family and her heart to me. My parents loved me — but they were caught up in their own drama and simply weren’t emotionally available.

Death and divorce are not extraordinary events in a child’s life. Kids live through their parent’s job disruptions, health problems, relationship crises, financial problems and challenges with their relatives.

Nuclear families have become more isolated and less connected to family and friends who may live across the country. With frequent job changes and moves, parents may not have good access to their old friends. It’s not uncommon for a family to find themselves living in a community where they have no connections. It puts a lot of strain on everyone.

Adults, outside of nuclear families, can play important roles in children’s lives. Coaches, teachers, aunts, uncles, family friends and grandparents can pick up the slack when parents aren’t able.

For 10 years, I taught aikido, a martial art, to children. Some kids stayed in our dojo through their childhood. It wasn’t uncommon for some of them to experience divorce, loss and disruption. We were able to provide them with stability when their lives were in upheaval.

So what can parents do?

Recognize that you may not be available for your kids when you’re in the middle of a life crisis. It’s hard for parents to acknowledge this fact. We want to believe that our kids are OK. We want to believe that we are still doing our parental job— 100% of the time. But it’s not true. Naturally, we are impacted by our life circumstances.

By acknowledging this reality, we can engage our network of friends and family to help support our children. We can ask loved ones to step in. We can let our children’s teachers and coaches know that our kids are going through a hard time.

It really does take a village to raise a child.

Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Lucky little Irish lady
Our ‘Best Dressed in Green’ Winner Will Steal Your Heart!

Who rocked the greenest look this St. Patrick’s Day? Let’s find out.

The 2025 Toyota Tundra SR5 with an optional TRD Rally Package (Provided by Toyota).
2025 Toyota Tundra adds TRD Rally Package

The suite of mechanical, technology and comfort features is offered on the 4WD SR5 model.

Stylish RX 350h poses in an orchard. Photo provided by Lexus Newsroom.
2025 Lexus RX 350h Adds Three F SPORT Grades

Hybrid Provides Over 600-Mile Range and 37 MPG Fuel Economy

IONIQ 6 side-view photo provided by Hyundai Newsroom
2025 Hyundai IONIQ 6 Electric Range Increases To 342 Miles

Stylish, Sleek Exterior Adds To Appeal And Aerodynamics

The 2025 Kia K4 compact sedan (Provided by Kia).
2025 Kia K4 delivers a new choice in affordable compact sedans

The recent arrival offers bold design, a spacious cabin, and lots of tech.

David Austin English Roses (Image from Sunnyside Nursery website).
Where greenery thrives: The most delightful nurseries in Snohomish County

Looking to add life to your space? These nurseries have just what you need!

The previous Volvo XC Recharge is now the 2025 Volvo EX40 (Provided by Volvo).
2025 Volvo EX40 is the new XC Recharge

The compact SUV is still electric and still resplendent.

Work And Play With Confidence. Photo Provided by Chevy Newsroom.
2025 Chevy Silverado 1500 Turbo-Diesel Delivers 25 MPG

ZR2 4WD Package Adds Off-Road Weekend Versatility

(Image from pexels.com)
Find your flow: The most inspiring yoga studios in Snohomish County

Looking for a place to stretch, strengthen, and find your zen? Herald readers have you covered.

Relax Mind & Body Massage (Photo provided by Sharon Ingrum)
Unwind, relax, and recharge at these top massage spots

Need a break? Discover where to find the most soothing and rejuvenating massages in Snhomish County

(Image from the website).
Finding comfort and care: Top assisted living communities in Snohomish County

Which assisted living communities offer the best care and quality of life? Let’s find out.

Since 1957, Sherwood Community Services has been a place where people with disabilities have the opportunity to live full, independent lives as part of their community.
The top three local nonprofits making a real impact in our community

Which local organizations are leading the way in impact and service? Let’s find out.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.