I remember as if it were yesterday when my youngest daughter, then 7 years old, stood in the kitchen and pointed an accusing finger at me: “Don’t read the newspaper when I’m talking to you,” she demanded. “You’re not paying attention to what I am saying!”
I was listening. But during her brief description of a Brownie meeting, my attention wandered over to the newspaper lying on the kitchen table. My ears were open, but my eyes were somewhere else. At that moment, 15% of me was listening to Naomi, 25% was reading the paper, 10% wondered when dinner would be ready, 25% was glad to be home and 25% was reviewing the events of the day. Truly, I wasn’t giving her my undivided attention.
Just the other day, my wife and I are talking about our day. I hear her words, but soon my attention drifts away from our conversation and I find myself glancing at my phone. “Are you listening to me?” she asks. I wake up. I was listening and looking at her. But once again, my mind wandered off.
Undivided attention is a scarce commodity. Television, email, texts, social media and newspapers compete for family attention. Teachers fight for children’s eyes and ears. They contend with the clamor of recess, sports, music, lessons and friends. Husbands and wives vie with the loud cries of work, dirty laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and chauffeuring the kids from basketball games to movies at the mall. Bills, world events, family and mall sales all demand bits and pieces of adult concern.
However, it’s undivided attention that fuels successful relationships.
Examine a typical day, and ask “How often do I give my spouse or partner 10 minutes of my complete attention?” When is the last time I listened to my child without doing three other things at the same time? How often do I receive five minutes of a family member’s complete concentration? This precious fuel is in short supply.
Frequently, conflict arises from a lack of attention and not knowing how to ask for it. Siblings fight for parental contact. Want to get Mom off the phone? Start a fight with little brother Harry or trip little sister Sarah as she walks into the kitchen. All too often, children demand and receive negative attention from parents. What they really want is tender loving care.
Spouses have the same attention-getting problems as children, but these problems express themselves differently. Marion and Steve get into a big fight over housework. The magnitude of the fight doesn’t correspond with the number of dishes in the sink and the fact that Steve is feeling neglected.
Attention is like a spotlight. It radiates light when it shines on loved ones. Children glow when adults stop, look, and listen. Couples light up when they feel this beam directed toward them.
One minute of undivided attention is worth hours of divided awareness.
Here are some attention-getting and giving tips.
• Teach your children to ask for attention when they want it. When kids whine and fight remind the simply ask for some attention. A hug or a brief talk will feel better than an angry “Stop that right now!”
• Give family members a few moments of undivided attention throughout the day — when they don’t expect it! Stop washing the dishes or raking the leaves and let your loved ones know how much you love them. Spend a few quiet moments with each child. Make this a habit and you will be amazed at the results.
• Don’t be shy. Ask for attention when you want it. Most people are terrible at mind reading. Let others know what you want and need.
• Put your cell phone away. I know—I’m a broken record on this subject. But texting when you’re with others divides your attention away from your loved one.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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