This not-funny remake of ‘Yours, Mine, Ours’ leaves all of us cold

If the recent remake of “Cheaper by the Dozen” could be a laff-packed account of the hilarity of having 12 children under one roof, why can’t a remake of “Yours, Mine and Ours” up the ante to 18?

Well, sometimes addition is subtraction, because this new “Yours, Mine and Ours” is only half again as funny as “Cheaper by the Dozen.” And that Steve Martin movie wasn’t funny at all.

The first “Yours, Mine and Ours” was a 1968 tale of two widowed people, played by Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball, blending their giant broods. In the remake, it’s Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo as old high school sweethearts who impulsively decide to wed, bringing their combined total of children to 18.

The idea is that Quaid is a rule-bound Coast Guard admiral who runs his family like a ship at sea. Russo is a hang-loose mom who encourages her kids to pass a talking stick around a circle and share their feelings.

Suspense over whether this conflict will ever be resolved is, as you might expect, nonexistent. And the movie has absolutely nothing else going for it: The kids don’t have distinctive characters, and Quaid and Russo don’t have comedy skills to add.

There is a pet pig (somehow there had to be), that carries around pizza and other items aimed at tickling the funny bone of the 6-year-old audience members. If the pig had ridden a skateboard, maybe I’d be impressed.

Rip Torn, as Quaid’s superior officer, and Oscar-winner Linda Hunt, as the kids’ martini-drinking nanny, do almost nothing. Same for Jerry O’Connell, whose role as Russo’s apparently neutered friend looks as though it may have been cut back in the editing.

Director Raja Gosnell also made “Home Alone 3” and the two “Scooby Doo” movies, and if that doesn’t give you a clear picture of what this movie is about, I don’t know how else to do it.

There isn’t a laugh or a moment of truthfulness in the whole excruciating thing. Other than really little kids enjoying the slapstick, it’s hard to imagine anybody coming out of the theater satisfied. I’d rather sit at home and watch a halfway decent sitcom on TV. Or a bad sitcom. Or an unplugged television.