Sometimes, parents wonder — do I need to be “tougher” with my son or daughter? The parents of teens continually consider whether they’re clear enough, firm enough, or tough enough. It can be a daily question.
Much of this internal debate comes from our own childhood experiences. I grew up in a pretty undisciplined house. My parents had three boys, and I think at a certain point, we wore them out. So, our parents gave us a lot of freedom with little oversight. Looking back, this had both good and bad consequences. On the one hand, we became very independent. But on the other hand, we didn’t always exercise good judgment. And there were times when we would have benefited from more guidance — and control.
Other adults grew up in very strict families. Their parents may have run a very tight ship, with little room for expression. In those families, children were to be “seen but not heard.” Some of those parents were very punitive and controlling. None of their children would even think to question their parents or refuse to do what they were told. These individuals will also tell you there were good and bad consequences that came from a strict upbringing. Many of these children became disciplined adults. But they may not have learned how to manage their emotional life very well.
So, much of our parenting perspective comes from our own lived experience. We want to model the parental behaviors we liked as children and discard the ones we thought weren’t so hot. We want our children to become disciplined, responsible adults with the tools to handle the complex emotional life we live.
So, given these considerations, when is tough love required? How do we know when to be firm and when to be flexible? When to be stern and when to be soft?
Be clear
I’m a big one for encouraging parents to be consistent and predictable with their children. But it’s also important to be clear. What does this mean? Let your kids know at every stage of their development what you expect. When you want them to make their bed, show them what it should look like. Let them know what you expect when you ask them to clear the table. Be clear about what behaviors you want them to exhibit. And make sure that your expectations match their developmental stage.
Be authoritative, not authoritarian
Authoritative parents are clear, consistent, predictable, and firm. They’re not inflexible, harsh, or judgmental. They’ve earned their children’s respect and they’re models for the behavior they expect. They “walk the talk,” and that engenders respect. They don’t need to rely on their position, their strength, or that “might makes right.”
Be firm when it’s required
The concept of “tough love” was coined in a book named the same in 1968. It really refers to the notion that firmness and love are not mutually exclusive. Setting “clear” limits, which are “firmly” applied in a loving manner, expresses the heart of tough love.
Some years ago, a parent came to me about her 19-year-old son who had a drinking problem. Her son left home at 18, bottomed out, and wanted to move back in — but did not really address his substance abuse problems. The mother was in great distress. This was her “baby” and she didn’t want to say no. I encouraged her to stick to her guns and not let her son come home until he was in treatment. Months went by. Finally, her son did get help.
Years later, her son, now an adult, came to see me. He told me, “At the time when I wanted to come home, I was furious at my mother. But now, I know she did the right thing. She loves me so much! She was a great mom and today we have a great relationship.”
This was music to my ears…and his mom’s.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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