We can all agree that the “Twilight” phenomenon is overdue for a long, bloody parody — but man, “Vampires Suck” is truly not worthy.
It’s another spoof picture from the guys who made “Disaster Movie” and “Meet the Spartans,” Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Their style of lame pop-culture references, interrupted by long pauses without any jokes, is intact here.
The plotline hits most of the high spots of the first couple of “Twilight” movies, with angst-ridden newcomer Becca (Jenn Proske) moving to a small town in Washington (this time it’s Sporks, not Forks), and falling hard for the pale vampire Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) and his bloodsucking family.
Of course her werewolf buddy, Jacob (Chris Riggi), is also around, reminding her that he is contractually required to take his shirt off every 10 minutes. That’s the kind of joke that might have been funny if it hadn’t already been made by virtually anybody who’s seen the “Twilight” movies — Friedberg and Seltzer really have to work harder at this.
Very lame jokes about werewolves and vampires alternate with pitiful pop-culture allusions. Maybe just mentioning the names Tiger Woods, Lindsay Lohan and Lady Gaga will make the audience break up in helpless mirth. Somehow I doubt it.
A few gags work just because of the sheer possibilities offered by the heavy-breathing, teen-passion world of “Twilight,” including a passable joke about Becca’s paper cut turning into a blood flow that could fill a pyramid of champagne glasses.
Missed opportunities abound: There’s very little about author Stephenie Meyer’s abstinence subtext, which should be a fat target for satirists. And although somebody blames the mysterious vampire attacks on “Canadians,” how about some jokes around the fact that this Washington-set series of films is mostly filmed in British Columbia?
Even though Friedberg and Seltzer fit two movies’ worth of plot into less than 90 minutes here, “Vampires Suck” is still boring. The busy mayhem and constructed gags of an “Airplane!” or a Mel Brooks classic are nowhere in sight — these guys don’t have a sense of rhythm or overall shape.
There’s one exception to this poor scorecard: In the lead role (and her film debut), Jenn Proske does an absolutely terrific imitation of “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart’s halting mannerisms. I think Stewart is very good in the films, but give credit where due; Proske’s impersonation is dead-on.
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