Q: My husband and our boy-girl twins love to wrestle, but I’m worried that all that physical activity and getting revved up will make them —especially our son —see violence as acceptable. Should I be concerned?
A: Not at all. In fact, the evidence supports the exact opposite conclusion. In their book, “The Art of Roughhousing,” Anthony DeBenedet and Larry Cohen write that roughhousing “makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, lovable and likable, ethical, physically fit, and joyful.” Here’s some of how that works:
Physical play teaches kids about morality, right and wrong, and following rules. John Snarey, who spent several decades studying fathers’ impact on their children, writes that children who roughhouse with their fathers “usually quickly learn that biting, kicking, and other forms of physical violence are not acceptable.” Those lessons help kids learn to read people and their reactions and teach them the difference between playful aggression and real aggression.
Physical play teaches about how to treat others. As the grown-up, your husband could easily “win” every time he wrestles with the kids. But that wouldn’t be fun for anyone. So he’ll probably let them win once in a while (but not too often, because that wouldn’t be fun either). By doing that, he’s showing them that, as Uncle Ben told Peter Parker (before he became Spiderman), with great power comes great responsibility. In other words, when you’re bigger and stronger, you have an obligation to treat other people fairly and with compassion.
Children who play with their fathers tend to be more helpful, cooperative, and likely to share. They also have better communication and leadership skills, according to pioneering fatherhood researcher Ross Parke.
Parke and his colleagues also found that for girls, high levels of physical play are associated with such desirable social attributes as positive emotional expressiveness and clarity of communication, as well as originality, novelty, and creativity. Boys become more empathetic, more popular among their peers, and less likely to be hyperactive or sad.
All that being said, your husband should do more than wrestle or turn himself into a human jungle gym. He should also spend plenty of time talking, reading, teaching, changing diapers, and so on —and you should try a little wrestling too. Here are some basic guidelines:
Safety first. Minimize injury risk by making sure you’re on a soft surface and far away from hard furniture, low ceilings, doorways, or anything else that could be a banging hazard.
Don’t do it too close to bedtime. Rough play is a great way to tire out a child, especially one who’s been cooped up all day. But it can often get him or her even more wired.
Don’t force your children to play. That can do more harm than good. Children whose fathers are overly “directive” (meaning they give too many commands) may become socially withdrawn, have fewer friends, are more likely to watch activities than get involved, and have more behavioral problems.
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