Burke: With so many foreign names, why stop with one gulf?

By Tom Burke / Herald Columnist

In my last column I gave Donald Trump credit for an almost-good idea; that we annex Canada and make it our 51st state.

I first applauded (well, not really) the idea, then tongue-in-cheek suggested we not start a war with an enemy who’s once beaten us (the War of 1812), but instead make the great state of Washington the 11th Canadian province, garnering big benefits and avoiding another embarrassing loss.

Which started me thinking – maybe Dear (Leader) Donald has other (almost) good ideas. Like Trump’s bold assertion of U.S. power and his unparalleled grasp of history and comprehensive insights into geography; when he renamed the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America.

Not that that was a good idea. Actually, it was a pretty stupid idea.

Considering: the Gulf’s Aztec name was Chalchiuhtlicueyecatl (after the deity of the seas); that the later Mayans called it ilhuicaatl (meaning sky water); and that Hernán Cortés called it Mar del Norte (Sea of the North); with others referring to it as Gulf of St. Michae), Gulf of Yucatán, and Gulf of New Spain. But the name that stuck (until Trump) dates from 1550 when Spanish map-makers called it the Gulf of Mexico.

Now, of the 8.2 billion souls in the world, only 138,910,232 (or so), the “MAGA-Americans,” would plausibly call it the Gulf of America;

Which leaves a whole bunch of people, around 8.1 billion plus the Associated Press, still calling it the Gulf of Mexico.

So, no, the Gulf of America ain’t gonna fly long-term.

But as we did with his Canadian flight-of-fancy let’s take Trump’s dopey renaming idea and see if we can turn it into a not-quite-dopey idea.

I mean, if we can exorcise one geographical place-name that’s been around for 475 years, why not others?

So, let’s get rid of all the foreign names and use good old-fashioned American names. (Notwithstanding that the name “America” was first used to honor Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci by German cartographer Martin Waldseemüller in 1507, and was reinforced by Flemish geographer Gerardus Mercator when, in 1538, he used “America” for the entire Western Hemisphere.)

So, let’s start by renaming the state of New Mexico. I mean the land certainly isn’t “new,” as the state’s oldest rocks are from the Proterozoic Era (1.8 billion years ago) and it sure ain’t Mexico, as if it were actually “Mexico,” we’d have built a wall around it to keep all the (new) Mexicans out.

After that, we could change a bunch of city names. Why can’t we, say, rename San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco, “Don Jr.,” “Eric,” and “Ivanka.” All good American names. (Well, except for Ivanka, which is Slavic. But hey, we’re friends with Putin now, so why not?)

But why stop there. I mean, the San Juan Islands? Or the Strait of Juan de Fuca? Really?

Then there’s Coeur d’Alene and Moscow in Idaho; Poulsbo, Pasco, and Pateros here in Washington; and in Florida, Trump’s home, there’s a plethora of non-American names just begging for an “rebranding;” places such as Lisbon, Venice, Port Salerno, Naples, Boulogne, Gotha, Bagdad (really?), and Killarney. (Editor’s note: And — ahem — Mar-a-Lago.)

Solid red Texas is filled with “opportunities” too, as Trump states in his executive prder, “promote the extraordinary heritage of our Nation and … honor the contributions of visionary and patriotic Americans in our Nation’s rich past.”

So how can he let city-names like Praha, Roznov, Pari, and New Ulm stand in the Lone Star State?

Likewise in Georgia, how can MAGA ‘Mericans and Marjorie Taylor Green live with places named Rome, Canton, Cairo, Bremen, or Athens?

And even if liberal New Yorkers aren’t suffering with non-American-legacy-promoting place names ala Vienna, Antwerp, Ghent and Watervliet, why sh0uld we?

I mean if Trump is “changing” the name of North America’s highest peak, known by the millennium-resident Koyukon people as Denali, back to Mount McKinley (named in 1896 by some random miners to support gold-standard-promoting President William McKinley), why not change state names with “foreign” origins: Arizona, California, Colorado, Georgia, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Montana, Nevada, Rhode Island, and Vermont are all imports.

Gentle reader, when Donald Trump was elected, we elected, as Shakespeare said in “As You Like It,” a “man of many parts.”

But most of his parts are ignorant of history and geography, governing, economics, and world geo-politics; and devoid of common sense, empathy and decency.

Changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico is the behavior of a child. And, fortunately, it has no real consequences, because most of the world will ignore the change.

But his other ignorance-fueled actions — deportations, DOGE, Musk, thoughtless federal worker firings, willy-nilly budget cuts, and threats to Social Security and Medicare — hurt real people in real ways.

And calling his tariffs, “responsive tariffs to strengthen the international economic position of the United States and protect American workers” is pure, Trumpian BS. (And if you doubt that, just check your 401k.)

“What’s in a name?” the Bard’s Juliet asked.

“That which we call Trump, by any other name would still be America’s worst-ever president.” (She might have answered.)

Slava Ukraini.

Tom Burke’s email address is t.burke.column@gmail.com.