By Ron Friesen / Herald Forum

Have you heard of “boy” and “girl” music instruments? It was a thing when I was growing up in the 1950s and ’60s in a rural community in southern Oregon.

Only girls played flute, and only boys played trumpet. Boys played brass instruments, though girls were sometimes tolerated on trombone or french horn. Girls played clarinet and occasionally boys. Drums and saxes were mixed. When I started teaching beginning band, I wanted to make sure everyone could choose any instrument. In today’s world that would probably be called “woke.”

It was a dramatic moment when the band director (me) stood in front of the class, held each instrument up and asked, “Is this a boy or girl instrument?” The classes were usually quiet until the last instrument. Then some brave student would finally say, “Mr. Friesen, the instruments aren’t boy or girl.”

“Exactly!” I would reply, and went on to explain that any person could choose to play any instrument they wanted. (The kids were relieved that this was not going to be a talk about sex!)

Something interesting happened. If a girl chose a “boy” instrument and anyone gave them a bad time, all — and I mean all — the girls would rally behind the other girl with the strong message, “Girls can play anything we want!” The girls were united. But for the boys? It was completely different.

Boys who wanted to play flute, for example, were put down by other boys for wanting to play a “girlie” instrument. No rallying behind the boy. He was isolated. The term “toxic masculinity” had not been coined yet, but that’s what it was. When I retired, the girls were choosing freely, but the boys still could not without ridicule.

Fast forward 20 years, and the toxic attitude is still with us, and deadlier than ever. Thankfully, today’s youth can choose to play any instrument they want with more freedom from reproach than ever. But we still have Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s derisive “girlie-man” taunt of men to deal with.

The man who chooses to be a stay-at-home father has as tough a road as the boys I had who chose flute. Same for anyone who questions being a “man’s man” or, heaven forbid, if they question their gender identity. Somehow, we have not helped the toxic masculinity promoters understand that courage and strength can also be combined with empathy and care no matter the gender.

All genders now stand with the choices women make. All genders stand with men who are opposed to toxic masculinity. All genders stand in support of those who are not cisgender. So where does that leave the toxic masculinity group who are largely white and male?

This is a shrinking group, but they are finding solace and identity in white supremacy groups, un-Christian nationalists churches and politics, plus the grift and lies of MAGA politicians. And as they shrink in numbers and are backed into the corner, those who cling to their self-defeating stew are more noisy and more violent.

But their days may be numbered. People in every walk of life are climbing out of toxic masculinity’s hole and shaking off the scales which blinded them. These are strong people who finally realize that the toxicity of the “put downs” were all about convincing the “put downers” that they were better than everyone else. Surprise! The exact opposite was true!

Why do you think Donald Trump and his acolytes use this toxic strategy? They are all about putting others down with ridicule and name calling. Almost all are men spewing the same “girlie-man” garbage that my students heard 30 to 40 years ago. And they think this makes them better. Worse yet, they intend to lead our nation to a toxic United States. No thanks!

I am proud to say I am a “woke,” girlie-man who is equal, but not superior to anyone. And everyone is equal to me. I invite you to join in the continued fight to drown out and overcome toxic masculinity in whatever race, religion, gender or nationality you find it. We have made a lot of progress. But we still have a long ways to go.

Ron Friesen is a longtime Marysville resident, a retired music teacher and community and church musician and is committed to community improvement.