Graham: Women are good at more than raising kids

By Ciera Graham / Herald columnist

Even though covid-19 has forced many of us to forego large family gatherings over the holidays, family and friends are still finding ways to make women feel as if their lives are under a microscope, and their fertility is up for discussion and debate.

Kate Bolick, the author of “Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own” concludes her book with a profound yet simple question: “Are women people yet?” Yes, even in spite of the educational and occupational strides women have made, and America electing its first woman vice president, we must still question whether society has actually granted women humanity. As our government continues to remind women of the power they have to control their bodies and their freedom of choice; women are almost daily reminded that their possibilities, dreams, aspirations and ability to define their own personhood is merely controlled and dictated by everyone around them.

While women will hopefully never have to experience the daunting and oppressive Handmaid’s Life of Gilead, we’re reminded every day through subtleties and discourse surrounding women’s choices that our freedom is always up for debate. We’re supposed to tell our young girls that they can be anything they want to be, and that their dreams, goals and perseverance can shatter ceilings of glass and concrete. But we also have to tell our girls that sometimes people will use their gender to inhibit and limit their choices and aspirations.

As we raise our girls to take on a more altruistic and nurturing nature, we don’t encourage their interests in traditional masculine sports like football or boxing; we instruct women to assume caregiving roles by teaching them domestic labor at a young age, and then guilt-tripping them for straying from their familial care-giving responsibilities as they grow older. And even at holiday dinners, we have ritualized the public interrogation of her fertility, and her marriageability.

To be a childless and unmarried woman over the age of 30 is viewed as an anomaly, and many people may even begin to make assertions that women who do not honor their societal obligation to raise children and secure a husband is somehow unwomanly or even worse selfish.

Men are entitled to be egoistic and self-indulgence; they’ve been able to have their cake and eat it too, and we rarely ever interrogate or criticize their choices to focus on themselves and their desires. In fact, we’ve normalized it.

In a world that has frankly shown its disdain for women, shouldn’t we actually commend women who defy odds and take pride in not conforming to societal perceptions of what womanhood should be? It’s almost as if we have defined that marriage and motherhood are the peak of womanhood, which is both unjust and oppressive. If only we could have other markers and milestones for women that were not defined by her gender, or her ability to be altruistic and self-sacrificing.

Marriage and motherhood are two very important milestones, which can lead to emotional, social, spiritual and psychological enrichment, and I am not attempting to condemn these choices or those who choose this path. The issue lies when we value one choice over another, and condemn those who fail to make the preferred choices because they don’t confirm a societal narrative that we have grown accustomed to.

Psychologists have studied the importance of community, and how we as individuals need love and connection to others, and for many of us, family fulfills this need. Families play a pivotal role in society, and have an enormous task of socializing and raising children; families are where most of us get our first experience in defining our sense of self; our sense of self is measured against and defined by the values and morals taught by our family. But for many people, family can also come with many constraints.

Despite the advances prompted by the feminist movement, most families still have an unequal division of the labor. Women still do the vast majority of domestic labor, not only household chores but also raising and caring for children. This trend also holds for women who participate in the labor force, and the division of labor has worsened during the coronavirus pandemic. So if a woman opts out of those choices due to the constraints it may put on her life — and her career — why must her choice be criticized? We don’t publicly criticize men for working too much, or using work as a reason for why they can’t engage more regularly in domestic labor.

Most importantly, I think we often forget that fertility is a very private discussion, and it’s downright offensive to assume that anyone has entitlement over a woman’s fertility. Having children is a choice for some, but for others who struggle with fertility, they do not have that choice. When we interrogate when a woman is having a child or ask why she doesn’t have children yet, we may also be forcing women to relive trauma about their infertility.

We may all remember when Chrissy Teigen and John Legend suffered a miscarriage a few months ago, and Teigen had publicly posted about the ordeal on her Instagram page. She faced intense criticism and backlash as people questioned why she felt the need to share such a personal experience. While I won’t dare criticize other women’s motives especially when it comes to her own fertility, I found the public response hugely contradictory.

Some of us believe that her sharing was too personal and unnecessary, but yet most of our families believe that it’s a public enough for it to be discussed at the Thanksgiving table in front of family and friends. How hypocritical.

So please think twice before you ask a woman about her fertility, as she could be struggling with infertility, she also could be in the process of adopting, or frankly she may just not want to have children, and that’s fine too.

So when can we start evaluating all of the choices that women make as inherently equal, and are women people yet?

Follow Herald columnist Ciera Graham on Twitter @CieraGrahamPhD.