By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion Editor
On the orders of police Capt. Louis Renault, we’ve rounded up the usual suspects.
Vladimir, STOP! That tickles: President Trump, following an attack on Kyiv, Ukraine, that killed at least 12 people, called on the Russian president to halt his attacks — in a social media post that read “Vladimir, STOP!” — calling the offensive “bad timing” as ceasefire negotiations limp along. The U.S. is demanding that Ukraine accept an American-designed plan that would recognize Russia’s claim to Crimea and allow Russia to keep nearly all the Ukrainian territory it has occupied since its invasion began. As to Russia’s concessions, Trump replied that not getting all of Ukraine was a concession.
Just a head’s-up; if you find yourself in a bridge match with Trump as your partner; you don’t have the cards because he’s playing 52 Pick-Up.
Cell Block H, here she is Kitara! George Santos, the former congressman, who was expelled from office for financial misconduct and fabricating countless claims about his background, including his college degrees, star turn on his college volleyball team, his “Jew-ish” heritage, not to mention his cross-dressing alter ego, Kitara Ravanche, was sentenced to more than 7 years in prison for wire fraud and identity theft. One of Santos’ lawyers said he planned to seek a pardon from President Trump.
Santos, in his pardon request to Trump, reminded the president that he had donated more than $250 million to his presidential campaign, had cured cancer and was a close personal friend of the late, great Hannibal Lecter.
Who gets custody of the chain saw? A subdued Elon Musk, stinging from falling profits and stock losses for Tesla, announced that he would scale back his work with the federal government and the Department of Government Efficiency to devote more attention to his businesses. Musk steps back having delivered far less than the $1 trillion in savings from the elimination of waste, fraud and abuse that he promised.
Now, don’t feel bad for Elon. As severance. he gets to keep his title as Special Government Employee™, as well as all that personal and corporate data he downloaded from IRS, Social Security Administration and other agencies’ files.
Crossed Signals: Adding to reports of chaos in the Pentagon, news about a second Signal chat was revealed in which Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared reportedly sensitive details of the attack on Houthi rebels in Yemen. In the second chat thread, started by Hegseth, he included his wife, brother and his personal attorney, sharing information that a retired Marine general and military lawyer said was “almost certainly classified.”
Relax, general; Pete is “almost certainly” convinced that who he included in on the chat were indeed his wife, brother and personal attorney. It’s not like any of them are journalists.
Keeping his (face) powder dry: Hegseth recently ordered a remodel of a room next to the Pentagon press briefing room, refitting it as a makeup studio that can be used to prepare for television appearances, at a cost of several thousand dollars. Hegseth, a former Fox News personality, denied the report as a “totally false story,” while a Defense Department spokesperson said Hegseth does his own makeup ahead of TV appearances and is not paying for a makeup artist.
Well, and isn’t it the mark of a modern masculine military man that he take full responsibility for assuring his face is exfoliated and moisturized, his skin tone is even and any dark circles under the eyes are concealed. And remember, warriors; let’s not forget to keep those unruly eyebrows neat and trimmed. Hoo-ah!
Pete likes it ‘dirty’: Hegseth also has had a private internet connection installed in his office that bypasses Pentagon security protocols, so that he could have the Signal messaging app installed on a personal computer. Such an unsecured connection is known as a “dirty” line by the IT industry, as it can expose users to hacking and surveillance.
Now, if you’ll excuse Pete, he has a Signal chat to set up regarding the planning for the next military raid in Yemen and needs to confirm the phone numbers for his aunt, his kids’ piano teacher and the makeup artist at Fox News who promised him some pointers on which concealers offer texture and sheer coverage.
How about Elon and his chain saw? The Trump administration is announcing a grant program through the National Endowment for the Humanities that will pay sculptors up to $200,000 each to produce sculptures of “250 great individuals from America’s past” for President Trump’s planned National Garden of American Heroes, with support coming from money recouped from canceled NEH grants previously awarded to museums, historical sites and community projects.
Sure, it’s a sacrifice for the museums and communities, but imagine their pride when visiting the garden and gazing upon the likenesses of Tucker Carlson, Kitara Ravanche and Hannibal Lecter.
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com. Follow him on Blue Sky at jontbauer@bsky.social.
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